Has Anyone Seen This Girl?

I seem to have lost her - not literally of course, I would have some explaining to do, but my dear little Whitney weighs approximately 52 pounds and I have lost 52 pounds...... Which gives me something nice to think about given my tough (sniff, sniff) week. I am feeling much better - much like my old, new self. Which is fabulous. I rented a carpet cleaner from the grocery store yesterday and had to fill out my drivers license info on the form. I whipped out my license, which I got the first week of October and my weight is listed as 263 - which was 100% true at that point. I had another mini victory at the store as I realized that I now weigh 18 pounds LESS than what my drivers license says - wahoo!!! I'm done tooting my own horn and patting my own back. I just really needed that this week.

Anyhoo, I am looking forward to a new week. I am going back to a good ole pb&j sandwich for lunch this week. I get the Kirkland brand multi-grain bread and it is SO healthy and SO inexpensive. I always toast my bread - I love the extra crunch. I am moving my 100-cal spinach salad to an afternoon snack with an activia yogurt. Should be a good week as we gear-up for the holidays =).

this is me now

Honestly.....

I need a break - a break from being a mom, a break from being a wife, a break from being me! Anyone else feel this way? I tend to get these not so special/nice feelings a few days before my "lady visit" each month. Augghhhh!!!! It is funny how I can literally change over night - everything makes me cry or angry, and on top of that I am SO tired - but I know I will feel better within 1 to 2 days (was that too much info dad??? Sorry!) My cravings are definitely up this month compared to the last few and I'm not sure if it's because of the added stress of making Christmas magical and wonderful for the kids because that's my job or what, but I could probably eat my way through a whole pizza and polish off a bowl of ice cream without missing a beat - but I haven't, and I won't, but I'll think about it...... Today was my spin class and I absolutely adore it/loathe it. I can't believe how much stronger the old legs are getting and how much better my form is if I do say so myself - anybody taken a class and tried to get the C curve in the back while keeping your upper body relaxed, elbows bent, keeping your feet "elliptical" and actually pay attention to what is going on? I can now proudly say that I do! (sorta).....

In other news, Corinne over at the Phit-N-Phat blog - once again, can't figure out how to make it a link in my post - is offering a 12 week e-mail workshop for FREE starting in January, all you have to do is e-mail this absolutely amazing woman and she will send you the goods! Honestly, this lady is quite the inspiration - take a gander at her blog on my sidebar. She has lost over 100 pounds, now does figure competitions, all while being a mom to her son Logan, helping HER mom (or mammy as she calls her) reach her weightloss goals, and works tirelessly to help and inspire other women - and she even eats CANNED vegetables. Definitely my kind of lady!

Here's hoping I am back to my "normal" self soon!

this is me now

Overwhelmed.....

It gets a little overwhelming sometimes when I actually realize that I have lost over 50 pounds - that's a lot of weight and it takes me by surprise sometimes. I went to join a group on the Livestrong website and I bypassed the 100+ pounds to lose group because I no longer need to lose 100+ pounds. It's only 65 now. I can't believe how fast the time has gone - and the funny thing is that these past 6 months would have gone by whether I made the decision to change or not.

My sweet sister Ashley listens to my "victories" almost every day - she has been asking me questions lately about how my weightloss has affected me spiritually, emotionally and physically. She asked me the physically and emotionally ones yesterday and it was nice to really think about those and give her my honest answers. Emotionally I feel at PEACE with who I am and where I'm headed with regards to my body. I honestly believe that I will feel the same about myself when I reach my goal of 180 as I do right now at 245.4 (that's right, I'm down 2 more pounds). I don't feel "super" excited or "really" down about my weight anymore (95% of the time)- I feel peaceful and happy. I feel like I can look at things a lot more realistically now - I used to blow everything out of proportion, i.e. I just ate my weight in ice cream so I'll stop doing all of the good things I was doing for myself like exercising, drinking lots of water, etc. and just go on a "bender" until January - then I'll change. Now when I have a rough day, days, or week, I know from experience that things will get better - but not by ignoring them. By still exercising, still drinking my water, and eating better. I don't have that all-or-nothing approach anymore.

Physically I am amazed at what my body can do. I am shocked at how much stronger I am - at how quickly my body adapts as I push myself. I LOVE the gym. I love pushing myself and "secretly" competing with the people next to me - they may not realize it, but by pushing themselves they are pushing me too. I am comfortable doing this because it IS who I am. I just forgot about this part of myself for 8 years and it's so nice to have me back.

Speaking of Ashley, she called me a couple of weeks ago with a new creation that is absolutely fabulous. You know how I love my spinach......well, she had me do the following:

2 huge handfuls of spinach
1 can of tuna, drained
mix tuna with 2 T. bbq sauce (I just used cheapie Kraft)
Chop up one string cheese (I used a cheddar stick, same calories)
5-6 chopped baby carrots
1 T. ranch

Pile everything on top of the spinach (I put the tuna/bbq on last) and then sprinkle with the tablespoon of ranch. Hello - SO GOOD!!!!!


Give it a try - it's a pretty cheap lunch and very filling! Good job Ash!

I'm Thankful....

That the scale read 247.0 this morning - down 50.2 pounds as of this morning. I'm off to New Mexico for Thanksgiving - I plan on running each of the next 3 days and doing some ab work, I decided to take the week off from weight training - it's been 6 months and I think it will be good for me! See you next week!

this is me now

For Barb, Part I - My Turning Point

I had convinced myself that I was hiding my obesity – wearing it “well”. I had amazing friends in Idaho who accepted me for who I was. The problem was that I didn’t accept myself for who I was – I wasn’t honestly seeing myself for the 297 pound woman I had become. I was in denial – for some reason I thought no one else really saw how heavy I was – but the truth is that I wasn’t really seeing how heavy I was. I remember walking past some store windows and being absolutely shocked at how large my back half was. I used to go to Broulim’s or Walmart almost every day and just buy junk food – and one health magazine. I can only imagine what the checkers would think when I was back buying my 3rd box of Drumsticks ice cream cones for the week, along with my Shape magazine. Was I really fooling anyone? It was almost as shameful for me to buy the magazine as it was to buy the junk because I knew that I wouldn’t be doing anything about it – I intended to do something – just not that day, or the day after that. I really thought that one day things would just change if I wanted it bad enough – that magically I wouldn’t eat like a horse all day long and rekindle my inner athlete. But all I ended up doing was wishing each day away instead of actually doing something each day.

Moving to Arizona was such an unexpected change for me that it really helped me “get real” about what I was doing to myself. I finally made the choice to see myself as I truly was, love and accept myself for who I was at that moment, and go from there. I spent such a long time hating myself and my body that I failed to recognize the wonderful things it had done even at my heaviest. I weighed 227 when I got pregnant with my twins and 283 when I got pregnant with my 18-month-old. And I had relatively “normal” pregnancies. I healed very quickly from my c-section at 285 pounds. I was on my feet for 8 plus hours 3 times a week as a waitress. And the whole time my body was able to do these things for me I was spending my time hating it and abusing it with food. My turning point really came at the moment when I was able to accept where I was, love my body and appreciate it at 297 pounds.

My turning point came from a place of love for myself - not disgust, or hopelessness or despair - but love and acceptance.

That's Just The Way It Is......

So, a couple of posts ago I stated that I was ready to lose some serious pounds in November - and as of today I have seriously lost 2.3 pounds - seriously! But it's okay, because I know something you might not know about me - sometimes my body just does this.... it holds onto the fat that is has become accustomed to having around, it retains water, heck, sometimes it even builds muscle - all of these things result in a fabulous month of pretty much nothing......but thankfully, I'm not just relying on my handy little scale to tell me if I'm still changing. For instance, today I just completed spinning class #7 - and do you know that I was able to use more resistance and push myself harder than I ever thought I would, even though I haven't lost ANY weight in the last 1 1/2 weeks? I also lost an inch off my hips and 3/4 inch off my lovely thighs in the past 2 weeks without losing ANY weight. Incredible. I have also become addicted to my spinach/turkey/egg salad for lunch.....even though I haven't lost any weight it did not send me right to the Wendy' drive thru - and I so would have done that 5 1/2 months ago because I would have felt so discouraged for not losing any weight. We took the kids on a hike two weekends ago - it was around a lake and beautiful and I really enjoyed it, and about half way through the 2.3 mile hike I realized I could have run around the WHOLE lake - even without losing anymore weight this month......Amazing! Obviously I'm being a bit sarcastic, but I truly feel like a different person - sure I'm excited to reach my goal weight, but I'm also excited when I reach other goals that I've set for myself, because it isn't all about the number on the scale anymore - it can't be for me, because I let that number define me as a failure for too long and that simply isn't true anymore.

this is me now.

Thanks for your advice, but.......

So, there is this fabulous lady at the gym who is probably in her late 50's but her body is TOTALLY awesome. She is always lifting weights and jumping around - no joke - reminds me of the dot drill from high school. Anyway, we've chatted a couple of times and on Friday after I completed a set of jumping squats (hello booty!) she told me she had noticed that my hard work was really paying off. So nice of her to say! Then I let it slip that I had lost 46 pounds - that's right 46 POUNDS - and she was quite impressed with that number and here is our conversation from that point:

Janice: So surely you've changed your nutrition too?

E: Oh, of course.

J: And you've probably cut out the carbs?

E: Nope, just trying to stick with whole grains (and the occasional churro).

J: Well, I guess that's okay since you are working out so hard. But you've stopped eating after 6 right? That's so important because your body just can't burn those calories after 6.

E: Uhhhhhhh.......

We chatted for a bit longer and left it at that. She is such a nice lady and I really appreciate her noticing the changes I've made, however, I just thought it was so funny how she was trying to get me to admit to giving things up - which I haven't - and assuming I've stopped eating after dinner because it would be physically impossible for me to lose weight if I was still having a late night snack - which I do every night after the kids are in bed (Healthy Choice fudge bar - SO GOOD - and a 100-cal pack of something).

I just want to make sure that I am making myself clear at this point in my weightloss journey - I have NOT eliminated any food from my diet, although I no longer drink regular soda - I wanted to make this my lifestyle change until I'm gone. And right now I would be sabatoging myself if I didn't eat after 6 or gave up carbs - I'm smart enough to see the bingeing that would ensue. I think the big "secret" for me is that I'm doing what works. Sure, I eat oatmeal with pb for breakfast now - when we lived in Idaho I would go the the Maverik at least 2 or 3 times a week and get a donut, soda and some sort of breakfast sandwich. I eat my spinach salad with some turkey and hardboiled eggs and yogurt for lunch (or my beloved subway or costco salad) - when we lived in Idaho it would NOT be unusual for me to make myself physically sick from eating lunch at Big J's or from the deli at Broulim's, and I was doing this on a pretty regular basis. At night I'm still eating what I used to make for dinner in Idaho - the difference being that I cook dinner at home on average 6 times per week compared with 3 or 4 in Idaho. And I've already mentioned my evening snack - I cannot tell you what I used to eat after the kids were gone to bed and Jeremy was working his second job at Walmart because my face is starting to turn red even thinking about it. I was not only medicating myself with food each day but I was also abusing myself with food. Food helped me ignore the fact that I was ignoring my life.

Whoa, that got a little heavy for a sec. My point is that I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing - lunch this week will be spinach, sunflower seeds, 2 hardboiled eggs, 3 oz. Columbo Herb Roasted Turkey (absolutely heavenly - thank you Costco), my Kraft Zesty Italian light and an activia yogurt. And I'm quite sure that I'll have a churro or two this week and might even have pizza for dinner and have at least 2 cans of diet coke each day. But I also know that I'll be at the gym for 10 hours this week - two of those hours spent in my saddle at my spinning class - and I'll continue drinking my water, eating my oatmeal, measuring out my dinner portions and sticking with my calories. Maybe I'll get more hardcore later - and maybe I won't, time will tell, but for now.....

this is me now

Hey! I know you!

I was doing the weight portion of my workout on Thursday and almost fell over - I was watching myself in the mirror and looked up so I was looking right into my eyes (does this sound weird yet??) and I could NOT believe it! I recognized myself - I haven't seen me in years! It was such a coincidence - being in the gym at the same time and all.

Have any of you felt that way?? For such a long time I would sit and stare at myself in the mirror and pray that I would recognize the person looking back at me - and I just didn't....I think I mentioned this in my last post - I was just letting life happen to me - not taking the responsibility to really make choices. I love looking at myself now - sounds stupid, probably a little vain, but if you know me or my siblings you know that we all love to look in the mirror a bit too much. It's not that I think I look overly fabulous, it's almost like I can't get over the fact that it's really me again - it just bowls me over some days that I made the decision to change and I'm following through with it. I kind of think my mom feels the same way because whenever I call and give her my weightloss updates she just laughs - not like she's being rude or utterly stunned that I'm still doing this - but I think she's a bit delighted that her daughter is back.

Will be posting my goals for the month of November tomorrow - I'm ready to crank out some serious pounds this month!

This is me now.

Passed It!

I weighed 255.4 Saturday morning - close enough to 42 pounds lost. If I lose 2 pounds this coming week that will make a total of 8 pounds for the month and I'll have hit my goal.

I was able to wear a dress to church today that I haven't worn in over 3 years - it is so nice to have a closet full of clothes that I can actually wear again. I worked hard again this past week in the weight room and cardio wise - on Friday I did a combo of the treadmill for 20 minutes (running/walking), the elliptical for 25 minutes (manual at level 9 and 10) and the bike for 15 minutes. I think I will start doing this every Friday - it shakes things up a bit and it's a fun challenge. Food wise I have just been making good choices - I really don't eat very different from the rest of the family - dinner is the same for all of us each night, I will usually just measure out what I need to like if it's hamburger helper or spaghetti, etc. so I'm not overdoing it - breakfast is coaches oatmeal with peanut butter and milk 90% of the time, and lunch is a variety of things. Lunch is honestly the hardest meal for me - I would say that I eat at Costco and/or Subway at least once a week for lunch, I usually will get the caesar salad from costco and just do 1/2 the dressing and croutons and I'll take out about 1/4 of the lettuce so there is enough dressing. I get all of my calorie counts either from The Biggest Loser calorie counter book or the livestrong.com website - I LOVE this site. This is what I use to determine my calorie intake, etc. It is so helpful and free which is the best part.

I've changed my life - my relationship with food and love of myself are so different than they were 5 months ago. It's been a gradual change and I'm so thankful for where I'm at now. I've finally realized that at the end of the day I am really the only one who cares if I'm fat or not. It's my choice. And I believe that now. I honestly take my life one choice at a time. I think before I almost wasn't thinking about what I was doing or eating - I just did it and then would wonder at the end of the day how I got to where I was.....my life is no longer like that - I'm holding myself accountable.

Here are some pictures I took last week - I feel comfortable in my skin and I am so thankful for what I'm learning each day.




this is me now.

Then and Now

I haven't posted any pictures of myself yet - and after having the swine flu for the past week and my monthly "present" at the same time my plans have been a bust - I am completely looking forward to getting back to the gym tomorrow and going shopping for my healthy stuff that I was unable to get as I would have been publicly shunned for going to the store with my swine flu mask on. Anyway, I was looking at pictures on my phone while at Urgent Care on Thursday - luckily it wasn't that urgent because it took me 3 hours to see a doctor - when I came across a photo I took of myself in the middle of July and I was shocked at how different I look. So I got on our computer to see if I could find some old pictures from this past year to compare to my new ones - there weren't very many since I've really been avoiding the camera for quite some time - but I found these that were taken on New Years Eve of this past year - I would guess that I was anywhere from 283-287 at that time:





And here are some pictures taken just yesterday during a day trip to the mountains, and for the sake of this crappy past week we'll say I weigh about 258:





Maybe to the rest of you it won't seem like much, but I am so happy to see that I actually have a chin again.....

this is me now.

Getting Close

My weight this morning is 257.4 - which is .2 away from 40 pounds. Yahoo! Last weeks goals were okay - still haven't gotten around to writing down my weight workouts. My runs were terrific - I've shaved 44 seconds off of my 2 mile time since last Monday. I had a great workout this past Monday - I'm really addicted to that runner's high when I've really been pushing myself.

I have a confession to make - I am now addicted to spinach. It's completely my moms fault. I told her a couple of weeks ago that I really struggle getting in my fruits and veggies every day. She told me to go and buy a container of the baby spinach from Costco and just put a light dressing on it with some sunflower seeds. SO GOOD!!!! I call it my secret weapon - it ends up around 100 calories and I have it with my lunch every day. I used the light & zesty italian dressing from Kraft.

I am 95% sure that I'll be skipping the gym today. Gracie has been sick the last few days (Jeremy stayed home with her while I went to the gym yesterday), and I am not feeling too great either - I think we are all getting the flu, which means I will be missing a workout for the first time in about 3 months.... it will be okay.

this is me now.

Go For It

I was at the gym this morning, just dropped my darling girl off at kid watch and got on the treadmill to do my 2 mile run and a lady came in that was probably 4'10" and about as round as you can get. She looked positively uncomfortable being there with her husband (not being with her husband, just uncomfortable in general) and they got on the row of treadmills in front of me. She was walking very slowly and had to take some breaks and after about 15 minutes she got off the treadmill and tried out one of the recumbent bikes.

My story has a point - I promise - I remember going back to the gym after years and years of avoiding the place (it's actually not that hard to remember since it was May 29th of this year). Going through those doors in my tight workout pants and husbands old t-shirt was one of the hardest things I've done. I spent the first two weeks at the gym ashamed and embarrassed - and absolutely positive that everyone was watching me. I was embarassed because I was sweating SO much that my bum was soaked each time I finished my workout - I could just imagine what the guys in the weight room were thinking when I would bend over to grab a weight, I was ashamed to enter my weight on the bike or elliptical machine when it asked for it - positive that the women next to me were trying super hard to not gag when they saw my weight, and the list goes on and on. And after about 2 weeks and only a 2 pound weightloss I started getting frustrated - I hadn't changed my eating habits yet and I was enduring the gym. And then, for some reason I finally had my "AHA! moment". And this is how is went:

I am at the gym to lose weight for ME - not to win a beauty pagent or impress the guys with my dry bum. I weighed what I weighed and that was a fact - I could either accept it, love myself where I was and go from there, or I could settle for my mediocre workouts filled with pity. I went with the first option. So what if my bum sweats? I'm working hard and I feel great. I stopped throwing the towel over the display box when I entered my weight - I let it all hang out because that's who I was. When I started running a few weeks later I was able to run a TOTAL of 3 minutes and doing it walk one minute, run one minute. And I was proud of myself. Also, I learned that the majority of the people at the gym were concerned about themselves and could care less about my sweat or my weight. I find it powerful to enter 260 pounds on the bike because I know how hard it was to put in the 297. I revel in the fact that I am absolutely drenched at the end of my workouts because I try to REALLY push myself each day I'm there.

Back to the lady from this morning. I couldn't help but wonder if she was feeling the way I had felt four months ago - if she felt self-conscious or embarassed? Wondering if people were judging her "lack of fitness". All I know is that while she was doing her best on her treadmill and I was running my buns off on my treadmill I was hoping and praying that I see her on Monday and each day after that - I was silently yelling at her to go for it - and I hope she does.

Quick side note - I DO bring a towel to counteract the effects of my sweaty bum =).

This is me now.

Thank You Julio!

I love the t.v. show "The Biggest Loser" - this is the first season that I don't eat a big bowl of ice cream when I watch it =). Tonight Julio was eliminated - kind of a goofy guy who ended up surprising the heck out of me. Anyhoo, in his update of where he is now (which, I believe is down 108 pounds) he said that what changed for him was his mindset - that the people that loved him were still going to love him whether he was fat or skinny, that it didn't matter to them. Isn't that the truth? I finally realized that for myself a few months ago - I tried to make losing weight about everyone but me, that my poor husband was married to a fatty, that my kids friends would probably make fun of their chubby mom, and the list goes on and on. But I realize that is completely untrue - and when I accepted the fact that my weight ultimately only really mattered to me, I had a decision to make - and that decision was/is to love myself. I have changed. Things will be hard. But life is hard - being a mother is hard, downright difficult, but I find my greatest joys in my children; being a wife is hard, but being committed to my sweetheart brings me such comfort, love and peace. Working out for 2 hours a day is hard, but it is bringing out the qualities in me that have always existed, but I chose to ignore because eating was easier. My weaknesses are becoming my strengths - not overnight, but that's okay, because loving myself now means I am learning to love myself where I'm at in my life, being grateful for what I have, and going from there.

This is me now.

Don't Panic

Don't panic - just something I have been telling myself for the past few weeks. September was a killer month for me - I really struggled losing those 7 pounds and recently it feels like old habits are trying to worm their way back into my life. I was a diet queen - in fact, the first diet I went on "Body For Life" was because I was about 5 or 7 pounds heavier than when I first got married. That little diet was the catalyst for my nearly decade long obesession with losing weight - or my inability to lose weight. Ask my hubby - it's all I talked about - either the new diet I was on or how fat and miserable I was. So those first 5 to 7 pounds I needed to lose increased over time to the 117.2 pounds you see recorded as my starting weight (297.2). When I started working out again at the beginning of June I finally decided that I was through dieting - I wasn't going to "go on" something. Because when I go on a diet I end up going off of a diet, and if I wasn't on anything then there wasn't anything for me to quit. Did that make sense? I just wanted to make realistic changes - changes that will allow me to feed my family of 5 as inexpensively as possible and at the same time allow me to lose the weight and get healthy. I've been counting calories....actually I haven't been counting my calories for the past 3 or 4 weeks. What I've really been doing is starting to panic - I can't help it, it's something that happens, that little voice inside my head that starts nagging at me to try something different - what I'm doing isn't working. NOT TRUE!!!! It is working. When I am fully aware of my calorie intake and make healthful choices (for the most part) and when I push myself with my cardio and weights 5 days a week I really see results. I will see results. I will not panic. I will calm down and be realistic. I just told my dad today that for the most part this lifestyle change is hard - some days are easy - but for the most part it is difficult because I am learning that no matter how much weight I lose it doesn't suddenly make me want to keep a spotless house, study my scriptures and pray every day, make dinner for a neighbor or never yell at my kids. Losing weight and being healthy is now something added to my list of things to do and be each day - the difference is that it is at the top of my list and I'm not ignoring it anymore. I will not panic, I will see who I really am, what I am really doing and make those small, realistic changes that have helped me lose the first 36 pounds.

I feel much better now.

Goals for 10.5.09

I am going to post my weekly goals each Saturday or Sunday for the upcoming week.

My goals for this week are:

CARDIO
*Run 2 miles per day Monday-Friday
I have been running twice a week for 3 miles each time. I would like to increase my endurance & am trying to mix things up a bit.
*Recumbent Bike for 20 minutes Monday,Wednesday,Friday
*Arc Trainer for 20 minutes Tuesday & Thursday

STRENGTH TRAINING
*Write down each exercise with the weight/reps
I haven't been writing any of my weight workouts down.
*Hold Planks for 1 minute.
The most I have held them for is 45 seconds - hard stuff

NUTRITION
*Enter EVERYTHING I eat each day on my Livestrong page.
I have hit a bit of a wall. The weight is definitely not coming off as fast and I'm thinking it has a lot to do with my food.
*Eat all meals at home Monday-Friday.
I have been eating lunch out especially a lot lately and it is a bad habit to get back into - used to do it all the time.

WEIGHT LOSS FOR THE MONTH OF OCTOBER:

*Lose 8 pounds this month, which will take me down to 253.2 and make my total weight loss to date 44 pounds.

The Scale

I weighed myself today....and yesterday. This is a good thing for me. When I started on my journey of finally being "me" back in June I was weighing myself every morning. It was fine for awhile, and I really thought it was working for me - helping me be accountable each day. But around the 29 pound mark I started being a little OCD about the whole thing. I was weighing myself every morning and every night - how else was I going to prepare myself for what the scale might say the next morning???? Hello. Definitely out of control. What happened at 29 pounds is that I hit a plateau. I have hit said plateau the last two times I lost weight - in 2006 while on Weight Watchers I hit the plateau at 29 pounds. I stopped attending the meetings the next week and was on my way back to Chubbyville within a month. I also hit the plateau at about the 20 pound mark while doing Body for Life in 2005.....stopped BFL a couple of weeks later.

I knew the plateau was coming, I was waiting for it and I thought I was ready for it. But what happened was that I started hating myself each morning (and each night) that the scale went up or down a pound or two - because bodies do that. They retain water, they build muscle, they hold onto things for who knows why, and I was beating myself up for it every day. I broke through the plateau right after Labor Day and continued weighing myself every morning and evening - and last week I finally decided I'd had enough. I will weigh myself every Wednesday morning and post said weight here on the blog - I did give in and weigh yesterday too, but hey, I am definitely not perfect. This morning I weighed in at 261.4 pounds. That may seem like a TON of weight to most of you, but I am so pleased with myself. I have officially lost 35.8 pounds in 4 months. And I finally posted it - I know that it won't be available to my tens of readers until I've lost 50 pounds, but I am pleased as pie!