I had convinced myself that I was hiding my obesity – wearing it “well”. I had amazing friends in Idaho who accepted me for who I was. The problem was that I didn’t accept myself for who I was – I wasn’t honestly seeing myself for the 297 pound woman I had become. I was in denial – for some reason I thought no one else really saw how heavy I was – but the truth is that I wasn’t really seeing how heavy I was. I remember walking past some store windows and being absolutely shocked at how large my back half was. I used to go to Broulim’s or Walmart almost every day and just buy junk food – and one health magazine. I can only imagine what the checkers would think when I was back buying my 3rd box of Drumsticks ice cream cones for the week, along with my Shape magazine. Was I really fooling anyone? It was almost as shameful for me to buy the magazine as it was to buy the junk because I knew that I wouldn’t be doing anything about it – I intended to do something – just not that day, or the day after that. I really thought that one day things would just change if I wanted it bad enough – that magically I wouldn’t eat like a horse all day long and rekindle my inner athlete. But all I ended up doing was wishing each day away instead of actually doing something each day.
Moving to Arizona was such an unexpected change for me that it really helped me “get real” about what I was doing to myself. I finally made the choice to see myself as I truly was, love and accept myself for who I was at that moment, and go from there. I spent such a long time hating myself and my body that I failed to recognize the wonderful things it had done even at my heaviest. I weighed 227 when I got pregnant with my twins and 283 when I got pregnant with my 18-month-old. And I had relatively “normal” pregnancies. I healed very quickly from my c-section at 285 pounds. I was on my feet for 8 plus hours 3 times a week as a waitress. And the whole time my body was able to do these things for me I was spending my time hating it and abusing it with food. My turning point really came at the moment when I was able to accept where I was, love my body and appreciate it at 297 pounds.
My turning point came from a place of love for myself - not disgust, or hopelessness or despair - but love and acceptance.
thanks for sharing something so personal Em. Even though I'm your sister these kind of posts makes me feel even closer to you. I am so proud of the changes you've made and excited for the journey ahead!
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I know I'm not Barb, but I'm just saying...that was awesome. You are so brave to just open yourself like that, I am so proud to be your sister. I'm so glad you love yourself-there are so many things about you to love! Congrats.
ReplyDeleteI'm Barb and I am so thankful for what you've shared. :) I can definitely relate to everything you mentioned in your post and I'm now in the process of doing a blog myself. I need to find the perfect name though. Any ideas?
ReplyDeleteI battle with the same feelings and I am tired of them. I want them gone.
So question: how did you finally come to love yourself in the way you did to change to the point you did?because I've been doing a lot of hating and I know it doesn't work.
Thank you again Emily!I'm so glad I found u!