To say the past year has been eventful would be a major understatement. I really didn't think I would be where I am today when I made the commitment to be honest with myself......it has been an amazing journey that has turned more than a bit hard in the past few months. I weighed myself this morning and I am at 245.4 - yep, I've gained 11 pounds in the past 3 weeks. Between vacation and a serious bout of "not caring" eating I am sitting at what I weighed in December 2009. This has been a really hard thing to blog about. I would rather hide my failures and only blog my success - but I decided yesterday that I am back to being honest with myself again, and by extension, honest with my readers (are you still there? I wouldn't blame you if you weren't). I have felt very discouraged lately - reading back over my posts for 2010 this seems to be a common thread. When I went farther back to my posts of September, October and November 2009 I feel like I am reading a blog about someone different and I want that person back. I no longer feel "at peace" with my body, but feel at odds with it. I am constantly judging myself and comparing myself to others. It has been hard to get out of my own head, out of my own way and continue on the path I set out on. I have started finding ways to reward myself in ways that DON'T signify that I love and care about my body and spirit- they come in the form of combo meals from Wendy's or McDonalds, Ben & Jerry's and my old foe Twix bars.
I really didn't know how much longer I was going to wait to post here - I feel ashamed and hypocritical. But I am working on loving me and going from there - honestly. I am being realistic in my eating - everything I eat does matter. Reading this post here helped remind me of who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I will be posting my weight each Saturday - seriously - and blogging a few times per week. This is my life and I'm ready to live it on my terms.....again.
this is me now.
Good for you! And you're still doing great. Weight isn't something that is 'won' or 'conquered,' it is something that-if you struggle with it-will fluctuate your whole life. But 10 lbs here and there isn't the biggest deal, I think it is when we go back and forth between 50 and 100 that really hurts our body. So congrats-you're normal! And you'll get back there, just be patient with yourself.
ReplyDeleteA few weeks ago I was talking with a friend who is in a 'gaining' flow right now, and she said, "Oh, but you're losing-I'm so jealous!" I told her i'm just a mood swing away from being on the other end of the pendulum. (And I've gained some back, too, so you're not alone.) Anyway. I don't think weight loss is a destination, it is indeed a long, learning journey. For pete's sake, look at Oprah. We aren't meant to be perfect creatures, but learning ones.
Love you, so proud of you!
My sweet Emily, If you didn't struggle, then you wouldn't be human. You have to remember that this is something you've struggled with for a long time, there is no quick fix and there will be times when you fall into a funk! Aren't you happy you recognize you can do something about it? That you aren't powerless, that you have the education and the gift of a healthy body to get you back where you want to be? Maybe you should ask yourself, why am I depending on food so much right now? I know I eat really bad when I'm stressed, depressed, bored or just out of touch with myself. Find out why you're dealing with things through your eating and then see what you can do to help yourself out :) You are a strong, beautiful, incredible woman and this WILL NOT GET THE BEST OF YOU!!!!
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