One year down, a lifetime to go......

To say the past year has been eventful would be a major understatement.  I really didn't think I would be where I am today when I made the commitment to be honest with myself......it has been an amazing journey that has turned more than a bit hard in the past few months.  I weighed myself this morning and I am at 245.4 - yep, I've gained 11 pounds in the past 3 weeks.  Between vacation and a serious bout of "not caring" eating I am sitting at what I weighed in December 2009.  This has been a really hard thing to blog about.  I would rather hide my failures and only blog my success - but I decided yesterday that I am back to being honest with myself again, and by extension, honest with my readers (are you still there? I wouldn't blame you if you  weren't).  I have felt very discouraged lately - reading back over my posts for 2010 this seems to be a common thread.  When I went farther back to my posts of September, October and November 2009 I feel like I am reading a blog about someone different and I want that person back.  I no longer feel "at peace" with my body, but feel at odds with it.  I am constantly judging myself and comparing myself to others.  It has been hard to get out of my own head, out of my own way and continue on the path I set out on.  I have started finding ways to reward myself in ways that DON'T signify that I love and care about my body and spirit- they come in the form of combo meals from Wendy's or McDonalds, Ben & Jerry's and my old foe Twix bars. 

I really didn't know how much longer I was going to wait to post here - I feel ashamed and hypocritical.  But I am working on loving me and going from there - honestly.  I am being realistic in my eating - everything I eat does matter.  Reading this post here helped remind me of who I was, who I am and who I want to be.  I will be posting my weight each Saturday - seriously - and blogging a few times per week.    This is my life and I'm ready to live it on my terms.....again.

this is me now.

Be Brave - I Dare You!

So. I am feeling MUCH better about things - I went a little crazy there in my last post.  That happens sometimes.I can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post, but I've started running again - running is code for jogging. I probably keep about a 10 minute/mile/pace. I ran two miles on Monday and felt amazing - during the run I probably sounded like I was ready to hack up a lung, but that runner's high is a bit addictive.

I also decided to be BRAVE today and try something new - I took a class at the gym called BodyCombat. It was so much fun. By fun I mean we were punching and kicking and yelling and I was sweating like crazy. It was totally awesome. But it took me a week to work up the courage to go into the class. I was nervous that I would look stupid, that people would stare, blah, blah, blah. Maybe I looked stupid, maybe people did stare, but I forgot all about it when the class started.

I'm daring anyone who reads my blog (apparently 15 of you are crazy great enough to follow me) to do something BRAVE and let me know what it was - whether it's trying a new class, heading outside for a walk, drinking water instead of the soda you usually have with your dinner - the only one stopping you is YOU!!!!
this is me now.

Scale Rage

Seriously.......I haven't wanted to post this week because I am so stinkin' mad at myself at the scale that I've pretty much just moped all week.  I have "maintained" my weightloss going on about 4 months - I don't really consider the 12 pounds I've lost this YEAR as being in weightloss mode because it has happened so sssssslowwww.  Can you tell that I've had a couple of rough ones?  I had a major binge over this past weekend and I figured I'd have recovered from it scalewise by Wednesday - I honestly weigh a bit more on Monday's and Tuesday's because my eating is so reckless different on the weekends.  However, this week has been a big ole fat exception to my self-imposed rule - I was weighing in at 240 up until Thursday when it dropped down to 238 and I was sitting at 237.6 this morning.  I have been eating so well - better than I have in a couple of weeks, so you can see the reason for my concern.  I seriously wanted to hang up the old tennis shoes, skip the gym, and blame everything and everyone today.  Instead, I got the twins ready for school - the fighting, complaining and yelling always add to the ambiance, which they have been doing for like 3 weeks - packed Livvy and the girls in the ped and was on my way.  After I dropped the twins off at school I decided to call my sweetie-pie-of-a-sister Ashley (no, I haven't signed Oprah's no phone zone, I know, I know, stupid.stupid.stupid) because I desperately needed to talk this out - it has put me in a serious funk.  And once I started talking about my week she gently reminded me that sometimes your body retains water (we've decided that's what has happened to me), etc. regardless of how well you are eating and exercising.  I realized that I haven't been getting near enough sleep this week and I am s.t.r.e.s.s.e.d - the twins have been in their fun fighting funk, Livvy is acting different and we are coming up on the final countdown for our family vacation to Disneyland.  It also doesn't help that I have been hopping on the scale AT LEAST 6 times per day - you know, to check and see if it has reset itself and is now weighing me correctly.  So, I've decided to do this: I put my scale away for one week - whatever I weigh next Friday is what I weigh.  It will not affect my vacation or any of my family members vacation.  When I get back from said vacation I will be revisiting my goals and finding ways to calm down refocus so that I can go back into true weightloss mode.  Side note:  Just because the scale is put away does not mean I am going to go all willy-nilly (does anyone say that anymore?) with my eating.  I will continue to eat the way have this past week and end the week out strong with my strength training/cardio before the VanDyke clan hits Disneyland (I am seriously so excited!)

this is me now.