Has Anyone Seen This Girl?

I seem to have lost her - not literally of course, I would have some explaining to do, but my dear little Whitney weighs approximately 52 pounds and I have lost 52 pounds...... Which gives me something nice to think about given my tough (sniff, sniff) week. I am feeling much better - much like my old, new self. Which is fabulous. I rented a carpet cleaner from the grocery store yesterday and had to fill out my drivers license info on the form. I whipped out my license, which I got the first week of October and my weight is listed as 263 - which was 100% true at that point. I had another mini victory at the store as I realized that I now weigh 18 pounds LESS than what my drivers license says - wahoo!!! I'm done tooting my own horn and patting my own back. I just really needed that this week.

Anyhoo, I am looking forward to a new week. I am going back to a good ole pb&j sandwich for lunch this week. I get the Kirkland brand multi-grain bread and it is SO healthy and SO inexpensive. I always toast my bread - I love the extra crunch. I am moving my 100-cal spinach salad to an afternoon snack with an activia yogurt. Should be a good week as we gear-up for the holidays =).

this is me now

Honestly.....

I need a break - a break from being a mom, a break from being a wife, a break from being me! Anyone else feel this way? I tend to get these not so special/nice feelings a few days before my "lady visit" each month. Augghhhh!!!! It is funny how I can literally change over night - everything makes me cry or angry, and on top of that I am SO tired - but I know I will feel better within 1 to 2 days (was that too much info dad??? Sorry!) My cravings are definitely up this month compared to the last few and I'm not sure if it's because of the added stress of making Christmas magical and wonderful for the kids because that's my job or what, but I could probably eat my way through a whole pizza and polish off a bowl of ice cream without missing a beat - but I haven't, and I won't, but I'll think about it...... Today was my spin class and I absolutely adore it/loathe it. I can't believe how much stronger the old legs are getting and how much better my form is if I do say so myself - anybody taken a class and tried to get the C curve in the back while keeping your upper body relaxed, elbows bent, keeping your feet "elliptical" and actually pay attention to what is going on? I can now proudly say that I do! (sorta).....

In other news, Corinne over at the Phit-N-Phat blog - once again, can't figure out how to make it a link in my post - is offering a 12 week e-mail workshop for FREE starting in January, all you have to do is e-mail this absolutely amazing woman and she will send you the goods! Honestly, this lady is quite the inspiration - take a gander at her blog on my sidebar. She has lost over 100 pounds, now does figure competitions, all while being a mom to her son Logan, helping HER mom (or mammy as she calls her) reach her weightloss goals, and works tirelessly to help and inspire other women - and she even eats CANNED vegetables. Definitely my kind of lady!

Here's hoping I am back to my "normal" self soon!

this is me now

Overwhelmed.....

It gets a little overwhelming sometimes when I actually realize that I have lost over 50 pounds - that's a lot of weight and it takes me by surprise sometimes. I went to join a group on the Livestrong website and I bypassed the 100+ pounds to lose group because I no longer need to lose 100+ pounds. It's only 65 now. I can't believe how fast the time has gone - and the funny thing is that these past 6 months would have gone by whether I made the decision to change or not.

My sweet sister Ashley listens to my "victories" almost every day - she has been asking me questions lately about how my weightloss has affected me spiritually, emotionally and physically. She asked me the physically and emotionally ones yesterday and it was nice to really think about those and give her my honest answers. Emotionally I feel at PEACE with who I am and where I'm headed with regards to my body. I honestly believe that I will feel the same about myself when I reach my goal of 180 as I do right now at 245.4 (that's right, I'm down 2 more pounds). I don't feel "super" excited or "really" down about my weight anymore (95% of the time)- I feel peaceful and happy. I feel like I can look at things a lot more realistically now - I used to blow everything out of proportion, i.e. I just ate my weight in ice cream so I'll stop doing all of the good things I was doing for myself like exercising, drinking lots of water, etc. and just go on a "bender" until January - then I'll change. Now when I have a rough day, days, or week, I know from experience that things will get better - but not by ignoring them. By still exercising, still drinking my water, and eating better. I don't have that all-or-nothing approach anymore.

Physically I am amazed at what my body can do. I am shocked at how much stronger I am - at how quickly my body adapts as I push myself. I LOVE the gym. I love pushing myself and "secretly" competing with the people next to me - they may not realize it, but by pushing themselves they are pushing me too. I am comfortable doing this because it IS who I am. I just forgot about this part of myself for 8 years and it's so nice to have me back.

Speaking of Ashley, she called me a couple of weeks ago with a new creation that is absolutely fabulous. You know how I love my spinach......well, she had me do the following:

2 huge handfuls of spinach
1 can of tuna, drained
mix tuna with 2 T. bbq sauce (I just used cheapie Kraft)
Chop up one string cheese (I used a cheddar stick, same calories)
5-6 chopped baby carrots
1 T. ranch

Pile everything on top of the spinach (I put the tuna/bbq on last) and then sprinkle with the tablespoon of ranch. Hello - SO GOOD!!!!!


Give it a try - it's a pretty cheap lunch and very filling! Good job Ash!

I'm Thankful....

That the scale read 247.0 this morning - down 50.2 pounds as of this morning. I'm off to New Mexico for Thanksgiving - I plan on running each of the next 3 days and doing some ab work, I decided to take the week off from weight training - it's been 6 months and I think it will be good for me! See you next week!

this is me now

For Barb, Part I - My Turning Point

I had convinced myself that I was hiding my obesity – wearing it “well”. I had amazing friends in Idaho who accepted me for who I was. The problem was that I didn’t accept myself for who I was – I wasn’t honestly seeing myself for the 297 pound woman I had become. I was in denial – for some reason I thought no one else really saw how heavy I was – but the truth is that I wasn’t really seeing how heavy I was. I remember walking past some store windows and being absolutely shocked at how large my back half was. I used to go to Broulim’s or Walmart almost every day and just buy junk food – and one health magazine. I can only imagine what the checkers would think when I was back buying my 3rd box of Drumsticks ice cream cones for the week, along with my Shape magazine. Was I really fooling anyone? It was almost as shameful for me to buy the magazine as it was to buy the junk because I knew that I wouldn’t be doing anything about it – I intended to do something – just not that day, or the day after that. I really thought that one day things would just change if I wanted it bad enough – that magically I wouldn’t eat like a horse all day long and rekindle my inner athlete. But all I ended up doing was wishing each day away instead of actually doing something each day.

Moving to Arizona was such an unexpected change for me that it really helped me “get real” about what I was doing to myself. I finally made the choice to see myself as I truly was, love and accept myself for who I was at that moment, and go from there. I spent such a long time hating myself and my body that I failed to recognize the wonderful things it had done even at my heaviest. I weighed 227 when I got pregnant with my twins and 283 when I got pregnant with my 18-month-old. And I had relatively “normal” pregnancies. I healed very quickly from my c-section at 285 pounds. I was on my feet for 8 plus hours 3 times a week as a waitress. And the whole time my body was able to do these things for me I was spending my time hating it and abusing it with food. My turning point really came at the moment when I was able to accept where I was, love my body and appreciate it at 297 pounds.

My turning point came from a place of love for myself - not disgust, or hopelessness or despair - but love and acceptance.

That's Just The Way It Is......

So, a couple of posts ago I stated that I was ready to lose some serious pounds in November - and as of today I have seriously lost 2.3 pounds - seriously! But it's okay, because I know something you might not know about me - sometimes my body just does this.... it holds onto the fat that is has become accustomed to having around, it retains water, heck, sometimes it even builds muscle - all of these things result in a fabulous month of pretty much nothing......but thankfully, I'm not just relying on my handy little scale to tell me if I'm still changing. For instance, today I just completed spinning class #7 - and do you know that I was able to use more resistance and push myself harder than I ever thought I would, even though I haven't lost ANY weight in the last 1 1/2 weeks? I also lost an inch off my hips and 3/4 inch off my lovely thighs in the past 2 weeks without losing ANY weight. Incredible. I have also become addicted to my spinach/turkey/egg salad for lunch.....even though I haven't lost any weight it did not send me right to the Wendy' drive thru - and I so would have done that 5 1/2 months ago because I would have felt so discouraged for not losing any weight. We took the kids on a hike two weekends ago - it was around a lake and beautiful and I really enjoyed it, and about half way through the 2.3 mile hike I realized I could have run around the WHOLE lake - even without losing anymore weight this month......Amazing! Obviously I'm being a bit sarcastic, but I truly feel like a different person - sure I'm excited to reach my goal weight, but I'm also excited when I reach other goals that I've set for myself, because it isn't all about the number on the scale anymore - it can't be for me, because I let that number define me as a failure for too long and that simply isn't true anymore.

this is me now.

Thanks for your advice, but.......

So, there is this fabulous lady at the gym who is probably in her late 50's but her body is TOTALLY awesome. She is always lifting weights and jumping around - no joke - reminds me of the dot drill from high school. Anyway, we've chatted a couple of times and on Friday after I completed a set of jumping squats (hello booty!) she told me she had noticed that my hard work was really paying off. So nice of her to say! Then I let it slip that I had lost 46 pounds - that's right 46 POUNDS - and she was quite impressed with that number and here is our conversation from that point:

Janice: So surely you've changed your nutrition too?

E: Oh, of course.

J: And you've probably cut out the carbs?

E: Nope, just trying to stick with whole grains (and the occasional churro).

J: Well, I guess that's okay since you are working out so hard. But you've stopped eating after 6 right? That's so important because your body just can't burn those calories after 6.

E: Uhhhhhhh.......

We chatted for a bit longer and left it at that. She is such a nice lady and I really appreciate her noticing the changes I've made, however, I just thought it was so funny how she was trying to get me to admit to giving things up - which I haven't - and assuming I've stopped eating after dinner because it would be physically impossible for me to lose weight if I was still having a late night snack - which I do every night after the kids are in bed (Healthy Choice fudge bar - SO GOOD - and a 100-cal pack of something).

I just want to make sure that I am making myself clear at this point in my weightloss journey - I have NOT eliminated any food from my diet, although I no longer drink regular soda - I wanted to make this my lifestyle change until I'm gone. And right now I would be sabatoging myself if I didn't eat after 6 or gave up carbs - I'm smart enough to see the bingeing that would ensue. I think the big "secret" for me is that I'm doing what works. Sure, I eat oatmeal with pb for breakfast now - when we lived in Idaho I would go the the Maverik at least 2 or 3 times a week and get a donut, soda and some sort of breakfast sandwich. I eat my spinach salad with some turkey and hardboiled eggs and yogurt for lunch (or my beloved subway or costco salad) - when we lived in Idaho it would NOT be unusual for me to make myself physically sick from eating lunch at Big J's or from the deli at Broulim's, and I was doing this on a pretty regular basis. At night I'm still eating what I used to make for dinner in Idaho - the difference being that I cook dinner at home on average 6 times per week compared with 3 or 4 in Idaho. And I've already mentioned my evening snack - I cannot tell you what I used to eat after the kids were gone to bed and Jeremy was working his second job at Walmart because my face is starting to turn red even thinking about it. I was not only medicating myself with food each day but I was also abusing myself with food. Food helped me ignore the fact that I was ignoring my life.

Whoa, that got a little heavy for a sec. My point is that I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing - lunch this week will be spinach, sunflower seeds, 2 hardboiled eggs, 3 oz. Columbo Herb Roasted Turkey (absolutely heavenly - thank you Costco), my Kraft Zesty Italian light and an activia yogurt. And I'm quite sure that I'll have a churro or two this week and might even have pizza for dinner and have at least 2 cans of diet coke each day. But I also know that I'll be at the gym for 10 hours this week - two of those hours spent in my saddle at my spinning class - and I'll continue drinking my water, eating my oatmeal, measuring out my dinner portions and sticking with my calories. Maybe I'll get more hardcore later - and maybe I won't, time will tell, but for now.....

this is me now