That the scale read 247.0 this morning - down 50.2 pounds as of this morning. I'm off to New Mexico for Thanksgiving - I plan on running each of the next 3 days and doing some ab work, I decided to take the week off from weight training - it's been 6 months and I think it will be good for me! See you next week!
this is me now
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
For Barb, Part I - My Turning Point
I had convinced myself that I was hiding my obesity – wearing it “well”. I had amazing friends in Idaho who accepted me for who I was. The problem was that I didn’t accept myself for who I was – I wasn’t honestly seeing myself for the 297 pound woman I had become. I was in denial – for some reason I thought no one else really saw how heavy I was – but the truth is that I wasn’t really seeing how heavy I was. I remember walking past some store windows and being absolutely shocked at how large my back half was. I used to go to Broulim’s or Walmart almost every day and just buy junk food – and one health magazine. I can only imagine what the checkers would think when I was back buying my 3rd box of Drumsticks ice cream cones for the week, along with my Shape magazine. Was I really fooling anyone? It was almost as shameful for me to buy the magazine as it was to buy the junk because I knew that I wouldn’t be doing anything about it – I intended to do something – just not that day, or the day after that. I really thought that one day things would just change if I wanted it bad enough – that magically I wouldn’t eat like a horse all day long and rekindle my inner athlete. But all I ended up doing was wishing each day away instead of actually doing something each day.
Moving to Arizona was such an unexpected change for me that it really helped me “get real” about what I was doing to myself. I finally made the choice to see myself as I truly was, love and accept myself for who I was at that moment, and go from there. I spent such a long time hating myself and my body that I failed to recognize the wonderful things it had done even at my heaviest. I weighed 227 when I got pregnant with my twins and 283 when I got pregnant with my 18-month-old. And I had relatively “normal” pregnancies. I healed very quickly from my c-section at 285 pounds. I was on my feet for 8 plus hours 3 times a week as a waitress. And the whole time my body was able to do these things for me I was spending my time hating it and abusing it with food. My turning point really came at the moment when I was able to accept where I was, love my body and appreciate it at 297 pounds.
My turning point came from a place of love for myself - not disgust, or hopelessness or despair - but love and acceptance.
Moving to Arizona was such an unexpected change for me that it really helped me “get real” about what I was doing to myself. I finally made the choice to see myself as I truly was, love and accept myself for who I was at that moment, and go from there. I spent such a long time hating myself and my body that I failed to recognize the wonderful things it had done even at my heaviest. I weighed 227 when I got pregnant with my twins and 283 when I got pregnant with my 18-month-old. And I had relatively “normal” pregnancies. I healed very quickly from my c-section at 285 pounds. I was on my feet for 8 plus hours 3 times a week as a waitress. And the whole time my body was able to do these things for me I was spending my time hating it and abusing it with food. My turning point really came at the moment when I was able to accept where I was, love my body and appreciate it at 297 pounds.
My turning point came from a place of love for myself - not disgust, or hopelessness or despair - but love and acceptance.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
That's Just The Way It Is......
So, a couple of posts ago I stated that I was ready to lose some serious pounds in November - and as of today I have seriously lost 2.3 pounds - seriously! But it's okay, because I know something you might not know about me - sometimes my body just does this.... it holds onto the fat that is has become accustomed to having around, it retains water, heck, sometimes it even builds muscle - all of these things result in a fabulous month of pretty much nothing......but thankfully, I'm not just relying on my handy little scale to tell me if I'm still changing. For instance, today I just completed spinning class #7 - and do you know that I was able to use more resistance and push myself harder than I ever thought I would, even though I haven't lost ANY weight in the last 1 1/2 weeks? I also lost an inch off my hips and 3/4 inch off my lovely thighs in the past 2 weeks without losing ANY weight. Incredible. I have also become addicted to my spinach/turkey/egg salad for lunch
.....even though I haven't lost any weight it did not send me right to the Wendy' drive thru - and I so would have done that 5 1/2 months ago because I would have felt so discouraged for not losing any weight. We took the kids on a hike two weekends ago - it was around a lake and beautiful and I really enjoyed it, and about half way through the 2.3 mile hike I realized I could have run around the WHOLE lake
- even without losing anymore weight this month......Amazing! Obviously I'm being a bit sarcastic, but I truly feel like a different person - sure I'm excited to reach my goal weight, but I'm also excited when I reach other goals that I've set for myself, because it isn't all about the number on the scale anymore - it can't be for me, because I let that number define me as a failure for too long and that simply isn't true anymore.
this is me now.
.....even though I haven't lost any weight it did not send me right to the Wendy' drive thru - and I so would have done that 5 1/2 months ago because I would have felt so discouraged for not losing any weight. We took the kids on a hike two weekends ago - it was around a lake and beautiful and I really enjoyed it, and about half way through the 2.3 mile hike I realized I could have run around the WHOLE lake
- even without losing anymore weight this month......Amazing! Obviously I'm being a bit sarcastic, but I truly feel like a different person - sure I'm excited to reach my goal weight, but I'm also excited when I reach other goals that I've set for myself, because it isn't all about the number on the scale anymore - it can't be for me, because I let that number define me as a failure for too long and that simply isn't true anymore.
this is me now.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Thanks for your advice, but.......
So, there is this fabulous lady at the gym who is probably in her late 50's but her body is TOTALLY awesome. She is always lifting weights and jumping around - no joke - reminds me of the dot drill from high school. Anyway, we've chatted a couple of times and on Friday after I completed a set of jumping squats (hello booty!) she told me she had noticed that my hard work was really paying off. So nice of her to say! Then I let it slip that I had lost 46 pounds - that's right 46 POUNDS - and she was quite impressed with that number and here is our conversation from that point:
Janice: So surely you've changed your nutrition too?
E: Oh, of course.
J: And you've probably cut out the carbs?
E: Nope, just trying to stick with whole grains (and the occasional churro).
J: Well, I guess that's okay since you are working out so hard. But you've stopped eating after 6 right? That's so important because your body just can't burn those calories after 6.
E: Uhhhhhhh.......
We chatted for a bit longer and left it at that. She is such a nice lady and I really appreciate her noticing the changes I've made, however, I just thought it was so funny how she was trying to get me to admit to giving things up - which I haven't - and assuming I've stopped eating after dinner because it would be physically impossible for me to lose weight if I was still having a late night snack - which I do every night after the kids are in bed (Healthy Choice fudge bar - SO GOOD - and a 100-cal pack of something).
I just want to make sure that I am making myself clear at this point in my weightloss journey - I have NOT eliminated any food from my diet, although I no longer drink regular soda - I wanted to make this my lifestyle change until I'm gone. And right now I would be sabatoging myself if I didn't eat after 6 or gave up carbs - I'm smart enough to see the bingeing that would ensue. I think the big "secret" for me is that I'm doing what works. Sure, I eat oatmeal with pb for breakfast now - when we lived in Idaho I would go the the Maverik at least 2 or 3 times a week and get a donut, soda and some sort of breakfast sandwich. I eat my spinach salad with some turkey and hardboiled eggs and yogurt for lunch (or my beloved subway or costco salad) - when we lived in Idaho it would NOT be unusual for me to make myself physically sick from eating lunch at Big J's or from the deli at Broulim's, and I was doing this on a pretty regular basis. At night I'm still eating what I used to make for dinner in Idaho - the difference being that I cook dinner at home on average 6 times per week compared with 3 or 4 in Idaho. And I've already mentioned my evening snack - I cannot tell you what I used to eat after the kids were gone to bed and Jeremy was working his second job at Walmart because my face is starting to turn red even thinking about it. I was not only medicating myself with food each day but I was also abusing myself with food. Food helped me ignore the fact that I was ignoring my life.
Whoa, that got a little heavy for a sec. My point is that I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing - lunch this week will be spinach, sunflower seeds, 2 hardboiled eggs, 3 oz. Columbo Herb Roasted Turkey (absolutely heavenly - thank you Costco), my Kraft Zesty Italian light and an activia yogurt. And I'm quite sure that I'll have a churro or two this week and might even have pizza for dinner and have at least 2 cans of diet coke each day. But I also know that I'll be at the gym for 10 hours this week - two of those hours spent in my saddle at my spinning class - and I'll continue drinking my water, eating my oatmeal, measuring out my dinner portions and sticking with my calories. Maybe I'll get more hardcore later - and maybe I won't, time will tell, but for now.....
this is me now
Janice: So surely you've changed your nutrition too?
E: Oh, of course.
J: And you've probably cut out the carbs?
E: Nope, just trying to stick with whole grains (and the occasional churro).
J: Well, I guess that's okay since you are working out so hard. But you've stopped eating after 6 right? That's so important because your body just can't burn those calories after 6.
E: Uhhhhhhh.......
We chatted for a bit longer and left it at that. She is such a nice lady and I really appreciate her noticing the changes I've made, however, I just thought it was so funny how she was trying to get me to admit to giving things up - which I haven't - and assuming I've stopped eating after dinner because it would be physically impossible for me to lose weight if I was still having a late night snack - which I do every night after the kids are in bed (Healthy Choice fudge bar - SO GOOD - and a 100-cal pack of something).
I just want to make sure that I am making myself clear at this point in my weightloss journey - I have NOT eliminated any food from my diet, although I no longer drink regular soda - I wanted to make this my lifestyle change until I'm gone. And right now I would be sabatoging myself if I didn't eat after 6 or gave up carbs - I'm smart enough to see the bingeing that would ensue. I think the big "secret" for me is that I'm doing what works. Sure, I eat oatmeal with pb for breakfast now - when we lived in Idaho I would go the the Maverik at least 2 or 3 times a week and get a donut, soda and some sort of breakfast sandwich. I eat my spinach salad with some turkey and hardboiled eggs and yogurt for lunch (or my beloved subway or costco salad) - when we lived in Idaho it would NOT be unusual for me to make myself physically sick from eating lunch at Big J's or from the deli at Broulim's, and I was doing this on a pretty regular basis. At night I'm still eating what I used to make for dinner in Idaho - the difference being that I cook dinner at home on average 6 times per week compared with 3 or 4 in Idaho. And I've already mentioned my evening snack - I cannot tell you what I used to eat after the kids were gone to bed and Jeremy was working his second job at Walmart because my face is starting to turn red even thinking about it. I was not only medicating myself with food each day but I was also abusing myself with food. Food helped me ignore the fact that I was ignoring my life.
Whoa, that got a little heavy for a sec. My point is that I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing - lunch this week will be spinach, sunflower seeds, 2 hardboiled eggs, 3 oz. Columbo Herb Roasted Turkey (absolutely heavenly - thank you Costco), my Kraft Zesty Italian light and an activia yogurt. And I'm quite sure that I'll have a churro or two this week and might even have pizza for dinner and have at least 2 cans of diet coke each day. But I also know that I'll be at the gym for 10 hours this week - two of those hours spent in my saddle at my spinning class - and I'll continue drinking my water, eating my oatmeal, measuring out my dinner portions and sticking with my calories. Maybe I'll get more hardcore later - and maybe I won't, time will tell, but for now.....
this is me now
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Hey! I know you!
I was doing the weight portion of my workout on Thursday and almost fell over - I was watching myself in the mirror and looked up so I was looking right into my eyes (does this sound weird yet??) and I could NOT believe it! I recognized myself - I haven't seen me in years! It was such a coincidence - being in the gym at the same time and all.
Have any of you felt that way?? For such a long time I would sit and stare at myself in the mirror and pray that I would recognize the person looking back at me - and I just didn't....I think I mentioned this in my last post - I was just letting life happen to me - not taking the responsibility to really make choices. I love looking at myself now - sounds stupid, probably a little vain, but if you know me or my siblings you know that we all love to look in the mirror a bit too much. It's not that I think I look overly fabulous, it's almost like I can't get over the fact that it's really me again - it just bowls me over some days that I made the decision to change and I'm following through with it. I kind of think my mom feels the same way because whenever I call and give her my weightloss updates she just laughs - not like she's being rude or utterly stunned that I'm still doing this - but I think she's a bit delighted that her daughter is back.
Will be posting my goals for the month of November tomorrow - I'm ready to crank out some serious pounds this month!
This is me now.
Have any of you felt that way?? For such a long time I would sit and stare at myself in the mirror and pray that I would recognize the person looking back at me - and I just didn't....I think I mentioned this in my last post - I was just letting life happen to me - not taking the responsibility to really make choices. I love looking at myself now - sounds stupid, probably a little vain, but if you know me or my siblings you know that we all love to look in the mirror a bit too much. It's not that I think I look overly fabulous, it's almost like I can't get over the fact that it's really me again - it just bowls me over some days that I made the decision to change and I'm following through with it. I kind of think my mom feels the same way because whenever I call and give her my weightloss updates she just laughs - not like she's being rude or utterly stunned that I'm still doing this - but I think she's a bit delighted that her daughter is back.
Will be posting my goals for the month of November tomorrow - I'm ready to crank out some serious pounds this month!
This is me now.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Passed It!
I weighed 255.4 Saturday morning - close enough to 42 pounds lost. If I lose 2 pounds this coming week that will make a total of 8 pounds for the month and I'll have hit my goal.
I was able to wear a dress to church today that I haven't worn in over 3 years - it is so nice to have a closet full of clothes that I can actually wear again. I worked hard again this past week in the weight room and cardio wise - on Friday I did a combo of the treadmill for 20 minutes (running/walking), the elliptical for 25 minutes (manual at level 9 and 10) and the bike for 15 minutes. I think I will start doing this every Friday - it shakes things up a bit and it's a fun challenge. Food wise I have just been making good choices - I really don't eat very different from the rest of the family - dinner is the same for all of us each night, I will usually just measure out what I need to like if it's hamburger helper or spaghetti, etc. so I'm not overdoing it - breakfast is coaches oatmeal with peanut butter and milk 90% of the time, and lunch is a variety of things. Lunch is honestly the hardest meal for me - I would say that I eat at Costco and/or Subway at least once a week for lunch, I usually will get the caesar salad from costco and just do 1/2 the dressing and croutons and I'll take out about 1/4 of the lettuce so there is enough dressing. I get all of my calorie counts either from The Biggest Loser calorie counter book or the livestrong.com website - I LOVE this site. This is what I use to determine my calorie intake, etc. It is so helpful and free which is the best part.
I've changed my life - my relationship with food and love of myself are so different than they were 5 months ago. It's been a gradual change and I'm so thankful for where I'm at now. I've finally realized that at the end of the day I am really the only one who cares if I'm fat or not. It's my choice. And I believe that now. I honestly take my life one choice at a time. I think before I almost wasn't thinking about what I was doing or eating - I just did it and then would wonder at the end of the day how I got to where I was.....my life is no longer like that - I'm holding myself accountable.
Here are some pictures I took last week - I feel comfortable in my skin and I am so thankful for what I'm learning each day.
this is me now.
I was able to wear a dress to church today that I haven't worn in over 3 years - it is so nice to have a closet full of clothes that I can actually wear again. I worked hard again this past week in the weight room and cardio wise - on Friday I did a combo of the treadmill for 20 minutes (running/walking), the elliptical for 25 minutes (manual at level 9 and 10) and the bike for 15 minutes. I think I will start doing this every Friday - it shakes things up a bit and it's a fun challenge. Food wise I have just been making good choices - I really don't eat very different from the rest of the family - dinner is the same for all of us each night, I will usually just measure out what I need to like if it's hamburger helper or spaghetti, etc. so I'm not overdoing it - breakfast is coaches oatmeal with peanut butter and milk 90% of the time, and lunch is a variety of things. Lunch is honestly the hardest meal for me - I would say that I eat at Costco and/or Subway at least once a week for lunch, I usually will get the caesar salad from costco and just do 1/2 the dressing and croutons and I'll take out about 1/4 of the lettuce so there is enough dressing. I get all of my calorie counts either from The Biggest Loser calorie counter book or the livestrong.com website - I LOVE this site. This is what I use to determine my calorie intake, etc. It is so helpful and free which is the best part.
I've changed my life - my relationship with food and love of myself are so different than they were 5 months ago. It's been a gradual change and I'm so thankful for where I'm at now. I've finally realized that at the end of the day I am really the only one who cares if I'm fat or not. It's my choice. And I believe that now. I honestly take my life one choice at a time. I think before I almost wasn't thinking about what I was doing or eating - I just did it and then would wonder at the end of the day how I got to where I was.....my life is no longer like that - I'm holding myself accountable.
Here are some pictures I took last week - I feel comfortable in my skin and I am so thankful for what I'm learning each day.
this is me now.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Then and Now
I haven't posted any pictures of myself yet - and after having the swine flu for the past week and my monthly "present" at the same time my plans have been a bust - I am completely looking forward to getting back to the gym tomorrow and going shopping for my healthy stuff that I was unable to get as I would have been publicly shunned for going to the store with my swine flu mask on. Anyway, I was looking at pictures on my phone while at Urgent Care on Thursday - luckily it wasn't that urgent because it took me 3 hours to see a doctor - when I came across a photo I took of myself in the middle of July and I was shocked at how different I look. So I got on our computer to see if I could find some old pictures from this past year to compare to my new ones - there weren't very many since I've really been avoiding the camera for quite some time - but I found these that were taken on New Years Eve of this past year - I would guess that I was anywhere from 283-287 at that time:
And here are some pictures taken just yesterday during a day trip to the mountains, and for the sake of this crappy past week we'll say I weigh about 258:
Maybe to the rest of you it won't seem like much, but I am so happy to see that I actually have a chin again.....
this is me now.
And here are some pictures taken just yesterday during a day trip to the mountains, and for the sake of this crappy past week we'll say I weigh about 258:
Maybe to the rest of you it won't seem like much, but I am so happy to see that I actually have a chin again.....
this is me now.
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