This Is Me Now

Combining Blogs

2011-04-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

I will now be posting about my journey on my other blog Emily's Big News .....

I'm Baaaaack!!!!

2011-03-30T17:10:00.000-07:00

Hello dear friends - is it okay if I call you that? It's been more than a while....closer to five months. I've actually had a few people tell me that I really need to update this thing and believe me, I've been thinking about it for quite some time (almost 5 months, ha! ha!) and first there was the holidays - my weight went back up to around 239 and I literally struggled, like I have the past YEAR to get on the losing track again and it just wasn't working...so I gave up. Just kidding. I actually just kept trying to get back in that special weight loss zone - where I am not only physically in it, but mentally in it - and I found my zone at the beginning of March. I am eating A LOT better - conscious of my decisions, weighing (ha) my options when it comes to eating out and closely following a plan that at this point shall remain nameless.....but do not fear - the plan is realistic and something I could do for a very long time. As of this past Saturday I weighed in at 225.1 - I now weigh 2 pounds less than when I got pregnant with the twins 8 years ago. I still weigh in every morning, but my official, put-it-in-the-books weigh in is every Saturday morning. I have lost 14 pounds in about 4 weeks and it is almost laughable to see my body respond to me eating well again - it's been waiting for this moment for over a year while I pushed it at the gym and then crapped around with my eating and now it is very responsive and I can't wait to see what the next 45 pounds brings. More later - and by later I mean Saturday or Sunday - not August = ) I will get some pictures up here too!

this is me now

My Theme Song.....

2010-11-11T07:09:00.000-08:00

Yep, that's right. I have a theme song because I'm ~~delusional~~ cool like that. I love this song by Miss Natasha.....it makes for some great running/lifting motivation. Enjoy!

Hardest Things I Do At The Gym....

2010-11-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

Do you have those one, two or maybe three things at the gym that are absolutely hard? No matter how many people do them well, it seems like you struggle with them? Here are a FEW of mine:

1. Push-Ups: I blame my height - at 6'2" this girl has some long limbs...I totally rock the kneeling "girl" push-ups, but don't ask me to do the "boy" push-ups because I can only eek out 2 or 3. And don't even get me started on the "tricep push-ups" I can only go down about 1/2 way while I'm on my knees because I definitely fear that my face will meet the floor with a great big thud. We do these at BodyCombat and while I've definitely improved a lot, they are still very challenging.

2. Running: I don't know why, but it is a true struggle for me to run. I think I have good form, but I am just so slow - doesn't mean that I don't try, I do - but I don't have that natural gift of gracefully trotting around the track - it's more like a clopping =)

3. Step-Mill: Holy Cow! If you want to see Em sweat take a gander at me while I'm on the step-mill. It is ridiculously hard for me. I sweat, I breathe hard, I sweat some more and pray to make it to the end of my workout. I would honestly rather RUN (see #2) than do the step-mill. That being said....

I do all 3 of these things at least twice a week. I've started "warming up" with a mile run around the track at the gym every day. Am I fast? Nope. Does my butt jiggle when I run? You betcha. But I do it because I know that eventually I'll get faster - even if it's only shaving 10 seconds off my time - it's still something. Today I ran my mile in 8:45 - fastest I've ever done it. And at the end of my run I thought "Man, I'm slow, let's see what I can do tomorrow". Same with the step-mill - it was HARD to finish those 40 minutes today and I will get my push-ups on at my class on Wednesday and Friday (assuming my daughter doesn't bite anyone). I guess my point is (cheesy line coming up) the HARD is what makes the journey/day/workout worth it - because then it ends up that I've really accomplished something that day.

My question for you is, what are you doing or maybe avoiding that is hard for you to do in your workouts? Think of something you can do this week that will take you out of your "routine" and really help you push yourself!

this is me now

A Promise Is A Promise

2010-10-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

Please, do not adjust your computer screens - this is actually happening.....blogging twice in one week. I know, it is a little freaky, but just keep reading and everything will be alright. I promised to share some of my new favorites, but first I want to share a "victory" from this week.

Wednesdays and Fridays I take a BodyCombat class at the gym. I have been going for probably 4 or 5 months and I looove it. It is hard, makes me wish I was dead and I look forward to the classes each week. This past Wednesday I dropped my sweet girl Livvy off at the gym daycare and headed up to class. About 20 minutes in one of the workers came to get me out of class - I thought maybe she had a stinky diaper - turns out she BIT a little boys ear.....needless to say, we were sent home for the day. And while I was very upset with my daughter, I confess that I was also very upset for myself. It's been a rough week - I've been doing what I do and for some reason my 234.4 has been a stinkin' 238.3 for much of the week (I was down to 236.7 this morning). I was so upset that I drove across the parking lot to Target - I had a plan..... a plan to eat. I mean, what else was I going to do ???? I could feel all of that anxiety of missing my class and the frustration of jumping back up few pounds building up inside and I instinctively went for the quick fix. I sat in my truck in the parking lot of Target with the engine running for a good 5 minutes - going over in my mind the advantages of getting some junk to eat, how it would make me feel better and make the "situation" not so upsetting. Then I looked at my daughter in the backseat and I wondered what kind of example I was being - and why her biting a kids ear was a free pass to hurt myself - because I would be hating what I'd done a few hours after the binge..... So I drove me and my Mike Tyson daughter home - I immediately pulled out the stroller, put my water in the basket, grabbed my i-pod and went for a great walk/jog for 40 minutes. And I got to take my class today, sweated like crazy, wished for death and left excited for it happen all over again next week.

Moving on...... here are some of the things I've been eating the past month or so.

Breakfast for the past couple of months has been oatmeal. I buy the huge bags of the regular Quaker Oats from Costco - it has to be cooked for 5minutes on the stove. So I set my timer for 3:30 and while that's going I slice up a banana (small or medium, whatever works) and stir the banana in for the last 1:30. After it's all cooked up and in the bowl I add a ton of cinnamon, a packet of splenda/truvia/whatever and add a 1/2 cup of almond or 1% milk when I'm ready to eat it. Tastes like banana nut bread - it is so good and filling.

For my post workout snack I have been having a Myoplex CarbAdvantage chocolate fudge shake and a peanut butter tote. You can find the recipe here - Corinne over at Phit-n-Phat provided links to her recipe book at SparkPeople. Me and Livvy loooove teh pb totes - I end up cutting them into eight squares and we each have one 4 days a week. Make sure you wrap each one in tinfoil after you cut them - mine take around 45 to 50 minutes to cook and I always sprinkle one packet of splenda on top of the whole thing right after it comes out of the oven.

For lunches I have been eating - drumroll please......... Michaelina's Frozen Entree's - I am serious as a heart attack. My beautiful sister Glamazon got me hooked. She loves the Lean Shrimp and Pasta (totally delish) and I'm a bit addicted to the regular manicotti. It seems like a weird thing to have, but they are low in calories and it helps me through the toughest part of my day - I always pair it with a spinach salad: 3 cups of spinach, 1/3 avacado, 2 T. Light Zesty Italian and 1/2 T. of sunflower seeds. In this picture I added 1/4 c. of garbanzo beans and I really did NOT like them in the salad.

This week was interesting - by interesting I mean mentally hard - but I feel like I "won" the week and can't wait for the next seven days.

this is me now.

2010-10-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

Are any of you still out there? If you are.....bless your hearts! Thanks for staying interested - whether it's interested in if I'm still losing weight or if I've started gaining it back - whatever floats your boat =)

These past 6 weeks have been interesting....actually more like the past 4 weeks. The first 2 of the 6 weeks since I've posted were pretty much like most of my year has been...... struggling like crazy just to "maintain" or not gain too much weight. I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again, but this changing my life and being different and focusing on the journey and not the destination crap is HARD.

It's hard to find new ways to motivate myself, it's hard coming up with new routines at the gym, it's hard driving home from a trip to Target or Costco and not stopping at McDonald's for lunch, it's hard to lose 63 pounds and then gain some of them back and fluctuate between a 55 pound and 60 pound loss for 6 freakin' months (that's not just hard, it totally sucks too!)

But it's also definitely hard to be so heavy that you only have 3 shirts to wear, it's hard to be so big that all you do is sweat - doesn't matter if it's the middle of summer or the middle of winter, it's hard to LOOK at yourself at 297 pounds and feel like an absolute failure.

Both things are hard - it's hard to change and it's just as hard to stay the same..... I guess it just depends on how "hard" I want my life to be.

Well, I've kept going and it finally clicked again.... thanks in part to my sister, the beautiful Glamazon , we had a conversation about a month ago and she was telling me about how much weight she had been losing and in the middle of our convo I recognized her journey because it was a lot like mine - more like the 2009 journey and not so much the 2010 journey - and all of a sudden everything clicked again! As of Saturday I weighed in at 234.4 - I have lost almost 8 pounds in the last 4 weeks. I feel happy and focused and driven....I feel like my old, new self. I have some new favorites - as in breakfast, lunch and snacks that I will be posting about later this week...promise!

this is me now

One Year Older and Wiser Too

2010-09-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

I turned 33 yesterday. I'm not one of those people that gets freaked out by getting older - didn't care when I turned 30 and I'm hoping to feel the same way about 40, 50, 60 (you get the picture). This year for my birthday I got exactly what I wanted - a Wendy's card from grandma and grandpa (such a treat!), a gift card from my parents, a gift certificate for a 1 hour massage (I'm excited beyond belief about it), an i-tunes card - I can never have too many great songs for my workouts, from the hubs, and a beautiful bracelet from my daughters. The hubs made an awesome cake and we ~~tolerated~~ enjoyed a nice, crazy, noisy Sunday with the kids. I am looking forward to this next year - a year of trying to live a balanced life, a year of respecting my body and appreciating the gift that it truley is, of trying new things and seeing endless possibilities.

this is me now.

A compliment.....

2010-08-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

A lady in my BodyCombat class came up to me on Wednesday after we were done and said "You did such a good job, I'm new to class and I just followed you the whole time". I completely realize that I'm patting myself on the back right now, but that was such an amazing compliment. I try really hard to get my form right on all of our punches and kicks and it was nice to know that I'm doing it well enough that someone feels like they can look at me to see what we're doing.........or else they can't see past me and they have no other choice =).

Countdown to baby time. My birthday is approaching. If you will remember several posts ago I said we would start trying for our 4th baby (I know, we kind of think we're crazy too) when I lost 30 more pounds or turned 33, whichever came first. Obviously the 33 is coming first because I just don't think I'll be losing 30 pounds in 3 1/2 weeks.....Actually, if I would have been posting this 2 years ago I'm positive that I would have thought I could lose 30 pounds in 3 1/2 weeks, then been so disappointed in myself for not losing the weight that I probably would have gained an extra 10 before I got pregnant. Not that I'm expecting to get pregnant right away, but by the end of the year would be fabulous.

this is me now.

Pluggin' Along

2010-08-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

Still here. Still trying. Still struggling to come up with "interesting" posts about my latest accomplishments, which is pretty much that I'm maintaining my weight. And while that's a good thing - when I think about how many years I slowly gained another 20 pounds each year(must have been at least 6, not counting the two years I was pregnant) I have to say that maintaining is a pretty significant thing. The flip side of that is I have been at the same weight for pretty much all of 2010. Realistically, there's NOTHING wrong with that (sometimes it helps to put things in caps, mostly for my benefit). I honestly get up each day and go out in the hot Vegas sun without sweating much - 60 pounds and 16 months ago I was sweating a bunch in the 70 degree weather in Idaho. I am not self-conscious anymore. I enjoy where I'm at and what I'm doing and hardly give my body a second thought. I feel confident at the gym and go 5 days a week - I love it. I went to the movies with the hubs last Saturday and slid right into the seat - I remember barely squeezing into movie seats and setting the popcorn on the floor, having it tip over and just wanting to crawl in a hole and die because I was going to have to bend over to pick up the bag and I knew my butt would be hanging out, my stomach would only let me bend over so far and would be silently berating myself for being such a fat, blah, blah, blah.... you get the picture.

Am I happy with where I am? Yes, I would say my maintaining my weight would answer that. Am I content? No. I still have a number in mind and that number is 180. Right now I would settle for 220. By Thanksgiving. Putting it out there again. It kind of seems lame to me that I keep getting on here, stating pretty much the same things, and then getting on 3 or 4 weeks later and doing it all over again. But, I'm a work in progress.

Is my journey over? Nope. Am I still trying? Yep. Do I get discouraged? Of course! Will I give up? Never!

this is me now

Favorite Smoothie So Far.......

2010-07-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

So, I loooove the Green Monster. It is amazing. It is great. However, I think I mighta found something I love a little more. My girls wanted a smoothie for breakfast last Thursday - but one of my twins hates bananas and they were going to share - so I grabbed my ginormous bag of strawberries from the freezer - popped 6 frozen strawberries, one container of raspberry carbmaster yogurt & one cup of almond milk in the blender. They loved it and it got me thinking about my love of the GM and wondering how it might taste with the strawberries instead of the banana. And then I continued thinking about how nice it might be to add the container of carb-smart yogurt to the mix. And THEN I started thinking about how it might taste totally awesome with a little bit of coconut extract to it and guess what? SO freakin' good. Seriously. Here's the breakdown:

2 T. Ground Flax
2 C. Fresh Spinach
1 Container Kroger CarbMaster Raspberry yogurt
1 C. Almond Milk
6 Frozen Strawberries
1/3 Capful of Coconut Extract (totally optional)

This is 290 Calories. It contains 19g of protein and 14g of fiber. If you wanted to, you could always do 1T. of flax and that would bring your calories down to 255 - but it is seriously so full of good stuff that I think the extra 35 calories are worth it. And protein is SO, SO, SO important when you working hard and weight training. Anyway, I'm just loving this right now - and it's still a very cheap meal and you're getting 19g of protein (12 of it is from the yogurt) without having to buy protein powder - and 14g of fiber, holla!

Moving on. I last weighed in on Friday and my weight was 238.4. I am very pleased with that number. I am hoping I'm down to 237 by Friday or Saturday of this week - I'm making the choices that should put me there.

this is me now.

Week In Review

2010-07-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

So, this week I finally tried something I've heard about for the last 6 or 7 months it's called The Green Monster and I looooooove it. I've tried the "original" monster and the Blueberry-Banana and I have to say that I'm a big fan of the original. I have had it twice first thing in the morning and once mid-afternoon and it really does give you ENERGY. It definitely helped with my mid-afternoon slump. I bought a HUGE bag of ground flax from Costco for around $8 and I freeze my bananas - I also used regular 1% milk, but I'm going to get some almond milk this week and try it. Give one a try and let me know what you think - you will NOT be able to taste the spinach - maybe in the first sip - but after that it tastes like a yummy banana smoothie.

I weighed 240.1 yesterday morning. The reason I am using my weigh-in from yesterday is because PMS has reared its ugly head and I am now a puffy marshmallow - puffiness will ensue for the next 2 or 3 days.

So, I changed my weight routine this week, and of course I used two of the workouts from this months issue of Oxygen . My body has responded in the best way it knows how - being absolutely sore. I am still taking BodyCombat twice a week - I really love it. Heavens knows I will never be a boxer (much, much too slow), but I enjoy how strong I feel. I have also been running twice a week - my goal it to build up to 5 miles per run. I am currently at 3 1/2 miles. I also do some sort of cardio on Mondays - usually the stepmill. Working out has not been something I've struggled with this past 14 months. It's the darned nutrition. I read this week in Corrine's post over at Phit-N-Phat that most "experts" will tell you that losing weight and living a healthy lifestyle is 80% nutrition and 20% exercise. She took it a step further and said that it is 60% MENTAL 35% nutrition and 5% exercise (she actually put 25% nutrition but those numbers add up to 90 and I'm pretty sure she was shooting for 100%). Her advice is to GET THE HECK OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY. I believe it because I've lived it. The months when I've lived with my "healthy" mindset have been the most rewarding and easiest of my journey. I'm getting back to that. Until next time.

this is me now

Don't Worry.....

2010-07-04T22:20:00.000-07:00

I am one to automatically think the worst has happened - for instance, my sister called me at 7 a.m. about 6 weeks ago and my first thought is, crap! something is wrong with the baby (she's pregnant). Turns out that the reason she called is she thought it was 8 a.m. here - crazy girl! And just wanted to chat.

The reason I'm stating this is because I didn't want anyone thinking the "worst" has happened to poor Emily and she has given up on herself. Truthfully, I have been having a VERY difficult time keeping my momentum going - it seems like one thing after another has happened (i.e. washer & dryer died, vacuum died, needed new tires on the Expedition, had to get a root canal) and I have dealt with them in the way I have done the past 12 years of my life - with a lot of food and I am slowly dealing with that. This morning I weighed 242.4 - after reading my posts of the last few months I realize that I am pretty much at a standstill - it feels like it is taking all of my effort just to stay within a reasonable weight fluctuation - and it is through no one's fault but my own - I haven't been eating well and have really been feeling down in the dumps. Poor combination. However, that doesn't mean I'm giving up and feel "destined" to be where I'm at. I'm putting my weight out there. AGAIN. I'm posting my truth. AGAIN. and I am going to keep living my life each day with the intention of living it on purpose. I am aiming to MAKE choices each day that will bring me closer to living the life that's important to me - as a healthy wife, mother, daughter and friend.

I'm also contemplating combining this blog with my Emily's Big News blog - because my life ain't all about trying to lose weight and I've thought it might be best to combine the two because a) I've been horrible about blogging on either one of them and think it might be less "overwhelming" b) I'm not self-conscious anymore about my friends and family that only visit EBN finding out that I used to weigh 297.2 and c) I can do what I want because these are my blogs =). Let me know what you think - okay, let me rephrase - if 2 or 3 of you would be willing to leave a comment on this I would really appreciate it!!!

this is me now.

Week In Review

2010-06-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

I have now realized the importance of an ACCURATE scale. The one I bought last year had been very consistent up until about 3 months ago. These past few months, everytime I would get on the scale it would read something entirely different - we are talking from one minute to another. I would get up in the morning, weigh myself, go to the bathroom, weigh myself again and weigh 2 or 3 pounds more than I did. And while I knew that it was pretty much impossible for that to be right, it still reaked major havoc in my head. So, while I was at Costco yesterday I bought a new scale - it was less than $20, but a good one. Just to test it out yesterday I weighed myself in 4 different rooms of the house and I weighed the SAME in each room. I was so freakin' excited - sounds stupid, but I feel like that's one thing that I can rely on to accurately reflect my progress. So, my weight this morning is 239.4 - I'm very happy with that number. I also know that I probably didn't weight 245.4 last week seeing as I was weighing on old unreliable (oh yeah, that stupid scale now has a nickname).

I've learned that a little sun on the arms and legs makes it a whole lot easier to see some of my muscle definition and DOES make me look slimmer - holla! (does anyone say that anymore???) So spending time with my girls this week at the splash park - the one with Livy is in my bedroom - she is a hard monkey to catch at the park - helped on the tan front.

I have also learned this week that I feel strong and sexy (whoa!) after I've finished my BodyCombat class on Wednesdays and Fridays - I leave feeling so powerful and confident.

We are headed up to Mount Charleston to take the girls for a hike - probably around 2 miles. It is supposed to be 103 today in Vegas and MC is only 1 hour away and a 30 degree difference so it will definitely be worth the drive.

I bought some turkey (previously mentioned here), wholly guacamole, sprouts, banana peppers and alpine multi-grain bread for lunches this week. I've also been buying a ton of produce lately - lovely watermelons, strawberries, kiwi, bananas, and salad fixins. I have also been completing my "Gallon Challenge" each day this week and it has been an easy thing to do - the hubs picked up his own gallon jug yesterday.

Here's to a day of hiking and swimming - we will be hiding in our house tomorrow after church - it's supposed to be 108. Yikes!!!!

this is me now

Feeling Better

2010-06-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently all I needed was great Memorial Day weekend to get things in perspective. I was VERY excited to get to the gym today. I am doing a new weight circuit from this months issue of Oxygen Magazine and it felt great! I realized this morning that I haven't lifted weights for 3 WEEKS!!!!! So crazy! I know for me personally, lifting weights makes me happy - gives me those great endorphins that I really need to stay motivated. I also started drinking (as of yesterday) a gallon of water - I'm planning on doing this for the next several weeks to see if it makes a difference in my hunger, etc. It also doesn't hurt with the lovely summer heat of Vegas to stay really hydrated - it was 95 yesterday and is currently 92 right now. We are supposed to have our first 100+ day of the year by the end of this week. The heat of summer ratches up my ice cream cravings and today I had something that was SO SO good. I have a bunch of frozen bananas in my freezer (the best place to keep frozen bananas. ha!ha!) and I took one out today, sliced it up (note to self: next time slice bananas before freezing), put it in a bowl and drizzled a tablespoon of chocolate magic shell and a small bit of whipped cream on top. It was delicious and totally felt like a treat - which is pretty much was with the chocolate.

I am looking forward to the rest of the week. The twins will have their first official summer break as of tomorrow at 9:55 and I am pretty excited to have them at home for the next 3 months. My little Livy bug will be turning 2 tomorrow - I can't believe how fast time goes and how much she has changed this past year. Have a great rest of the day!

this is me now.

One year down, a lifetime to go......

2010-05-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

To say the past year has been eventful would be a major understatement. I really didn't think I would be where I am today when I made the commitment to be honest with myself......it has been an amazing journey that has turned more than a bit hard in the past few months. I weighed myself this morning and I am at 245.4 - yep, I've gained 11 pounds in the past 3 weeks. Between vacation and a serious bout of "not caring" eating I am sitting at what I weighed in December 2009. This has been a really hard thing to blog about. I would rather hide my failures and only blog my success - but I decided yesterday that I am back to being honest with myself again, and by extension, honest with my readers (are you still there? I wouldn't blame you if you weren't). I have felt very discouraged lately - reading back over my posts for 2010 this seems to be a common thread. When I went farther back to my posts of September, October and November 2009 I feel like I am reading a blog about someone different and I want that person back. I no longer feel "at peace" with my body, but feel at odds with it. I am constantly judging myself and comparing myself to others. It has been hard to get out of my own head, out of my own way and continue on the path I set out on. I have started finding ways to reward myself in ways that DON'T signify that I love and care about my body and spirit- they come in the form of combo meals from Wendy's or McDonalds, Ben & Jerry's and my old foe Twix bars.

I really didn't know how much longer I was going to wait to post here - I feel ashamed and hypocritical. But I am working on loving me and going from there - honestly. I am being realistic in my eating - everything I eat does matter. Reading this post here helped remind me of who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I will be posting my weight each Saturday - seriously - and blogging a few times per week. This is my life and I'm ready to live it on my terms.....again.

this is me now.

Be Brave - I Dare You!

2010-05-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

So. I am feeling MUCH better about things - I went a little crazy there in my last post. That happens sometimes.I can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post, but I've started running again - running is code for jogging. I probably keep about a 10 minute/mile/pace. I ran two miles on Monday and felt amazing - during the run I probably sounded like I was ready to hack up a lung, but that runner's high is a bit addictive.

I also decided to be BRAVE today and try something new - I took a class at the gym called BodyCombat. It was so much fun. By fun I mean we were punching and kicking and yelling and I was sweating like crazy. It was totally awesome. But it took me a week to work up the courage to go into the class. I was nervous that I would look stupid, that people would stare, blah, blah, blah. Maybe I looked stupid, maybe people did stare, but I forgot all about it when the class started.

I'm daring anyone who reads my blog (apparently 15 of you are ~~crazy~~ great enough to follow me) to do something BRAVE and let me know what it was - whether it's trying a new class, heading outside for a walk, drinking water instead of the soda you usually have with your dinner - the only one stopping you is YOU!!!!
this is me now.

Scale Rage

2010-05-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

Seriously.......I haven't wanted to post this week because I am so stinkin' mad ~~at myself~~ at the scale that I've pretty much just moped all week. I have "maintained" my weightloss going on about 4 months - I don't really consider the 12 pounds I've lost this YEAR as being in weightloss mode because it has happened so sssssslowwww. Can you tell that I've had a couple of rough ones? I had a major binge over this past weekend and I figured I'd have recovered from it scalewise by Wednesday - I honestly weigh a bit more on Monday's and Tuesday's because my eating is so ~~reckless~~ different on the weekends. However, this week has been a big ole fat exception to my self-imposed rule - I was weighing in at 240 up until Thursday when it dropped down to 238 and I was sitting at 237.6 this morning. I have been eating so well - better than I have in a couple of weeks, so you can see the reason for my concern. I seriously wanted to hang up the old tennis shoes, skip the gym, and blame everything and everyone today. Instead, I got the twins ready for school - the fighting, complaining and yelling always add to the ambiance, which they have been doing for like 3 weeks - packed Livvy and the girls in the ped and was on my way. After I dropped the twins off at school I decided to call my sweetie-pie-of-a-sister Ashley (no, I haven't signed Oprah's no phone zone, I know, I know, stupid.stupid.stupid) because I desperately needed to talk this out - it has put me in a serious funk. And once I started talking about my week she gently reminded me that sometimes your body retains water (we've decided that's what has happened to me), etc. regardless of how well you are eating and exercising. I realized that I haven't been getting near enough sleep this week and I am s.t.r.e.s.s.e.d - the twins have been in their fun fighting funk, Livvy is acting different and we are coming up on the final countdown for our family vacation to Disneyland. It also doesn't help that I have been hopping on the scale AT LEAST 6 times per day - you know, to check and see if it has reset itself and is now weighing me correctly. So, I've decided to do this: I put my scale away for one week - whatever I weigh next Friday is what I weigh. It will not affect my vacation or any of my family members vacation. When I get back from said vacation I will be revisiting my goals and finding ways to ~~calm down~~ refocus so that I can go back into true weightloss mode. Side note: Just because the scale is put away does not mean I am going to go all willy-nilly (does anyone say that anymore?) with my eating. I will continue to eat the way have this past week and end the week out strong with my strength training/cardio before the VanDyke clan hits Disneyland (I am seriously so excited!)

this is me now.

Progress Pics.....

2010-04-29T20:13:00.001-07:00

Thought I'd post new pictures of myself - it is a good reminder of where I've been,

where I'm at now

and where I want to be. It's also a good reminder to get the straightener out after I have a shower and do something with my hair - holy cow Em!

I'm still sitting right at 234 pounds - which is not a bad thing, but not a really great thing either. I can totally tell that I'm gaining muscle. And my eating this week has not been spot on - ~~curse you Wendy's and Taco Bell.~~ But this is a learning process - if I knew it all already and applied it all already then this blog would be filled with more I-told-you-so's and less crap-I-messed-up-again's - and let's face it, nobody likes a know-it-all.

this is me now.

Favorite Things

2010-04-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd share a few of my favorite things that help me almost daily in pursuing my goals of losing weight and living a healthy (sometimes just healthier) lifestyle:

The weeks that I have pb&j for lunch, I ALWAYS have it on Kirkland's Multi-Grain Bread - it has 6 g of protein and 5 g of fiber per SLICE - and 140 calories. This stuff fills me up and it is only $4 for two bags at Costco. Awesome.

When I have a breakfast burrito I always use Flatouts - they are only 100 calories and have 9 g of protein and 8 g of fiber per tortilla (I also buy these at Costco, I think they run about $7 for a 3-pack)

Love me some Coke Zero - I'm not quite sure what the deal is, but I love this stuff. It doesn't taste like diet and it's not tasting like regular Coke - me and the hubs enjoy it.

These fun size packs of plain m&m's are great for a treat at night after the kiddos go to bed and there is only 70 calories in one package.

I have been putting multi-grain cheerios in my protein shakes (mixed in with a spoon after the blender) and my favorite way to eat these is with 1/2 cup of lf cottage cheese and 1 cup of sliced strawberries - yum!

This might be one of my new favorite things. It is Trader Joe's Cilantro Dressing - it only has 45 calories in 2 tablespoons and it is divine - think Cafe' Rio dressing people. Will be putting this on my romaine and chicken this week for lunch. Special thanks to Kelly over at Fitting Back In for the suggestion - muchas gracias!

I weighed in at 234.2 this morning - another pound down and I can tell that I'm gaining some muscle - love it!

this is me now.

p.s. I am still quite lame and CANNOT figure out how to post things as links in my blog - if anyone has the how to's let me know. Right now I'm blaming it on the fact that we have Windows Vista - blech. Problem fixed (I think) thanks Carly!

Feelin' It

2010-04-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

I finally feel like I am starting to hit my stride again focus wise. I'm enjoying my workouts - trying to find ways to increase my strength, etc., I am staying quite close to my planned meals each day and it is easier for me to remember why I'm doing what I do. I was reading back over some earlier posts and it was fun to remember how excited I was when hitting certain milestones - how happy I was being me and enjoying the choices I was making in my life. I've gotta be honest, the last few months have NOT felt that way - it has felt like a chore almost every single day and I just wasn't feeling "it"......now here's the great part....but I knew if I kept trudging along, doing what I knew how to do and gave it my best effort every day (even if my best effort included Taco Bell and some froyo for dessert), that eventually I would feel "it" again - and it's happening.
Here are some things I am enjoying now at 235 pounds (PMS raging, no weight loss this week) that I certainly wasn't at 297:

-I fit comfortably into chairs with sides on them (like the one's at the doctor's office). There is no spillage of belly and hips out of the slots.

-I also sit on any dang chair I want, I no longer fear chairs collapsing under my weight

-My feet don't hurt anymore. They used to hurt ALL the time, especially after a shift at work or a long day of shopping

-My feet are no longer swollen - they actually look like feet, and for that matter, my ankles look like ankles - no more cankles for this girl

-I sleep on my stomach sometimes - haven't done that since I had the twins

-I went into Lane Bryant to buy some shorts and I didn't buy a pair just because they fit, I bought a pair that LOOKS good (in a size 18)

-I get to wear actual swim shorts (size 18)over my swimming suit this year - not a pair of men's gym shorts from walmart in 3X.

-I dream about my high school basketball days - I don't know why, but for the past 9 or 10 years I had zero dreams about playing basketball in high school. I dream a lot and can remember many of my dreams, and for some "reason" in the past 6 months I have started having dreams that include my high school basketball team and coach. side note: I played high school basketball (obviously) on a VERY good team. We won state my junior and senior years and we were ranked nationally my senior year. Some of the greatest things I've learned in my life started on that court with my coach Rand and girls that I will consider close friends for the rest of my life.

-I can't WAIT to go to Disneyland with our family in May. I know that I will have the energy to keep up with the kids and a smaller butt to fit on all the rides.

-I am finding it easier to see almost ALL things in my life for what they truly are and could become because I'm able to see myself that way also.

this is me now.

True Story

2010-04-14T06:41:00.001-07:00

TRUE STORY:

About 7 years ago we were living in a small town in Idaho. There is one stop light in town. This place is your typical "everyone knows everyone". You get the picture. There is a Maverik right off of Bridge Street - I believe I've mentioned this Maverik before when talking about my love of their donuts, breakfast sandwiches and x-large cokes for breakfast.

Anyhoo, one day after work I stopped at the Mav to grab my usual - at the time the hubs was working as a painter (not an artist - big difference) and was out of town. When my hubby was out of town I would eat until I couldn't eat anymore - did it as a newlywed when he was out of town playing football, and at this point in our marriage would do it when he was out of town for work- I now realize I was pretty much eating to combat the loneliness and to have something to do. Sounds lame even as I'm typing it....

I digress. So, pretty much, my usual at the Maverik was nachos, candy bars, cupcakes, soda - whatever was cheapest, etc. Well, as I was heading into make my purchase this little old lady pulls right up to the front of the store and I see one of the cashiers run out to her car - the cashier hands her a carton of cigarettes and she gives the girl some money - she had an oxygen tube, etc. and pretty much looked like death warmed over. And I kid you not, this was my exact thought as I watched the whole thing transpire and head through the front doors of the store - 'That stuff is killing her and she won't stop - that is so sad to have such a bad addiction'....... About 5 minutes later I waddled out to my car with a bag of junk and saw her just sitting in her car smoking. I think of that day now and wonder if the old lady was watching me and thinking 'I can't believe old chubby britches just bought all that crap - doesn't she know that stuff is making her fat?'

At the time I couldn't see past my need to fill whatever was hurt, broken, or lonely with food. I didn't see the truth of the matter - which was that I was addicted - I didn't care what it was doing to my body, I just needed and wanted it because that is what made everything better. And when I topped out at 297.2 pounds and was still hurt, broken and lonely I finally realized that the food wasn't going to make me feel better - it was just helping me not feel anything. So I decided to start living - not just existing and waiting - but going and doing.

this is me now.

New Goals......

2010-04-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

When you set goals a lot of times people will tell you to create a motivation/dream board - something that will help you focus on what you want to achieve. I have NEVER done that - however, I have been "considering" it for quite some time. I already know which pictures I will cut out, which words really motivate me, etc. But is it enough to know that I want my abs to look like this and my arms to look like that? One image I will be adding to my dream board is a picture of a healthy pregnant woman. We would like to add to our family - the hubs has been wanting another baby for about 6 months (apparently I'm not getting any younger) - and I have been quite resistent to it for several reasons: A) Olivia, who is now 22 months, is a full-time job. We are talking be on red alert because this girl will get into anything and everything B) Financially, I thought it would be best to have Livy paid off before we accumulate another one =) and C) I really didn't want to be a fat pregnant woman again. And I really felt/feel selfish for the last one. Is it okay to put off having another baby so I can lose weight?

So, I've been doing some serious thinking and decided that we will start "trying" for another baby when I've lost another 30 pounds or turn 33 (which is September 12th) - whichever comes first. If I got prego right away that means I would be at 205 - I haven't weighed that since 2001. I will be working on my dream board this week and hopefully have pictures posted of it towards the weekend.

this is me now.

Friday Confessional - On Saturday

2010-04-10T07:22:00.000-07:00

I confess that:

-After stating I was going to have a good week foodwise, I went to Costco the very next day and was tricked by my kiddos into buying a package of brownie bites

-By tricking I mean they said - Mom, these are really good!

-Stupid free samples.

-They really were good - so good that I probably ate 40 all by myself (over 3 days)

-Does it really matter that I added in the 3 days part? You're all probably just paying attention to the fact that I ate 40 of the suckers

-Once I finished the last one I felt mucho relieved that they were finally out of my house

-Technically they are still in my house when I am at home because they are resting pretty on my tummy and thighs

-I know this might come as a shock - but I didn't lose ANY weight this week. Not even 1/10th of a pound.

-I still can't believe I've lost 62 pounds and that in another 55 I'll be at my goal weight

-Truthfully, I really think I look good right now and can't imagine what the old bod will be lookin' like when I drop another 55

-It might take a lot longer than I thought though, because I have to go back to Costco today!

this is me now

Note To Self:

2010-04-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Self:

Next time you are cruising the aisles in Costco and happen across "brownie bites" do NOT buy them - excessive eating will ensue. Trust me.

this is me now.

Making Progress

2010-04-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm done hovering right at or a little above 60 pounds - finally started on the losing track again. I weighed 235.0 this morning which takes me down to 62.2. Once I decided to do my "own" thing again and be true to what I set out to do, the eating was SO much easier this week. I really, really, REALLY, liked the Kristi cheesy tacos - and I also loved the kashi and yogurt. Overall it was a great week foodwise, exercising and getting in a ton of water. I was sick for a couple of days, but am feeling better now.

The hub's family came into town Wednesday night (that is my excuse for not blogging until today) and we tried to cram a weeks worth of fun into 3 days - I'm not gonna lie - having a serious fever Thursday and Friday really helped me keep my eating under control=). My fever broke late Friday night and I was feeling a ton better on Saturday - and I still didn't overeat or stuff myself like I've done in previous family situations - I actually took the minute it takes to ask if I really wanted to eat this or that and it really helped.

My baby (is she still considered a baby at 22 months?) was playing with my ipod shuffle dock last week and stepped on it and bent the thing in half - augghhhhh! I went to go and buy a new usb cable for the thing and the nice gentleman in the electronics department at Walmart (who had no idea what he was talking about) sold me the cord for the newest model - so I was a little sick to my stomach when I got home, plugged the thing in and the new cable wasn't working with my shuffle - come to find out I can only use a dock for my model - whew! So I'm heading back to Walmart tomorrow to get the right usb/dock. I know that might seem a little lame that I'm posting about this, but music is SO important to me for my workouts.

I'm looking forward to another good week - a week of eating well, exercising, drinking tons of water and doing what all us mommies do at home(everything!)- a week of balance.

this is me now.

This Week....

2010-03-28T15:02:00.001-07:00

I decided I would post my meal plan for the next week - part KristiApproved part EmilyApproved (ha!ha!):

Breakfast: Kristi Burrito
Morning Snack (pre-workout): Blueberry or Banana protein shake
Lunch: Kristi Cheesy Tacos and 1/2 pear
Afternoon Snack 1: 1/2 c. kashi and 100-cal yogurt
Afternoon Snack 2: 1/2 pear & string cheese
Dinner: Kristi BBQ Chicken,beans and barley
Evening Snack: Edamame (1 costco bag) and Healthy Choice Fudge Bar

My goal for the week is to keep my calorie count around 1800 calories.

Major victory for me that I forgot to mention last week - I was in DESPARATE need of a new swimsuit and I was able to buy a size 18 tankini from Target along with size 18 swim shorts. I love them and can't believe I can shop off the rack at a "regular" store. Wahoo!!!!

This is a picture of me and my beautiful sis Melissa (aka Glamazon) from our trip last weekend in St. George - Mel has lost 25 (?) pounds over the last few months. Love you sis!

this is me now.

Now I Get It.....

2010-03-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

Have you ever read any of the success stories in Shape magazine? Have you noticed that some of the ladies that lost a lot of weight (100 pounds or more) lost it in like 12 months and other ladies it took like 2+ years? I never understood how it could take someone 2 or 3 years to get to their goal weight - especially at the beginning of my journey when I was super focused and dropping my pounds each week. I honestly figured I would be at my goal weight by June of this year.

Now I understand what took some of those girls so long - because a lot of us (okay, me) struggle. Life is definitely a journey - and so is losing weight. This commitment I've made to being and doing better isn't a race - there WAS a starting line, but there certainly ISN'T a finish line. I need to remind myself of this - keep pushing along and trying my best because eventually it will all click again. There just isn't a lot of clicking right now. And that's okay - for now. Because every struggle I've been through has made me stronger (and eventually smarter).

this is me now.

Come On

2010-03-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

I am a pretty irregular poster. My sister Melissa - the awesome Glamazon - informed me that I would have more followers, comments, etc. if I posted 3 or more times a week. She is absolutely right. Right now my 9 followers are lucky to get 1 post per week. It honestly depends on how well I'm doing in my "journey". I feel the absolute need to only post when I've overcome something - not when I'm knee deep in it. My weight loss has been pretty much at a snail's pace for the past 5 months. I am really struggling. I went home to Utah at the end of February and ate just like I used to. It took me a full week to get back to my pre-trip weight. I have been having great weeks eating wise and the weekends are KILLING me. I went to St. George to hang out with the fam this past weekend and once again ate like the old Em. Apparently old habits die HARD - or in my case - resurrect themselves every weekend. I have been SO hard on myself, wondering what my big, FAT problem is? I feel better than I have in years - and I know that if I can get my thinking back on track, my possibilities and opportunities are endless. And yet, I struggle daily.

Today I had an ACTUAL epiphany as I was gagging down 3/4's of my Whopper(seriously, why did I buy that for lunch?) I was thinking about how people always say they want to live their lives with no regrets. I am one of those people who has many regrets and prays for do-overs. Anyway, I was thinking about how I totally feel bad (aka regret) when I eat my way through the weekend without thinking about how I'll feel Monday morning when according to the scale I have to start over AGAIN and lose the same weight I lost last week. I regret my lunch choices yesterday AND today.

Okay, here's the epiphany part: But, I definitely don't regret going to the gym today. I NEVER regret going to the gym. I NEVER regret eating a healthy meal. I NEVER regret drinking a ton of water or going to bed a little early. I almost ALWAYS regret eating crap, skipping a workout, not drinking my water - especially on the weekends, and staying up too late watching t.v. Maybe living my life with no regrets - okay maybe just some regrets - is going to require me to think about the after. How will I be feeling an hour from now after I ate (insert any and all trigger food/junk/crap that keeps me from my goals)? If the answer is BAD, maybe that choice should be rethought.

I will be posting more often. I'm sure (well, I'm hoping) that posting about my struggles, etc. 10 months in will be helpful to you - I know that honesty will help me.

this is me now.

P.S. My good friend Desi (grew up with her kids, LOVE them) left a comment on my blog a couple of posts ago and in it she mentioned that she just celebrated her 2 year anniversary without soda. That is SUCH a HUGE accomplishment and I just wanted to tell her how proud I am of her. All of my memories of Desi when I was growing up include her with a diet coke - so that is just an amazing thing she has done and is doing! Love you Des! The 43 pounds ain't too shabby either =)

DISCIPLINE

2010-03-11T12:43:00.000-08:00

I have a friend in Idaho who is a very Type A personality. Very organized, very focused, very disciplined etc. I felt quite inadequate when comparing our days - hers were filled with running, lifting weights, eating good food, kayaking, hiking - you get the picture. My days were filled with eating, watching t.v., playing with the kids and praying for their nap/bedtime so I could eat some more food and watch me some more t.v. And then I would have a pity party as I would watch my friend when we would get together for playgroups or at church and think to myself - I really WISH I could be disciplined like Yvonne, she is so LUCKY to just be like that. Somewhere along the way I started believing that having discipline was something you were born with like brown hair or blue eyes.

I now understand and know that discipline takes effort - it takes doing something over and over - and while doing that something over and over again is what helps you become disciplined when it comes to that certain thing. I feel that I am quite disciplined when it comes to my time in the gym - I really love going and have been doing it long enough that I enjoy finding new ways to really challenge myself. I'm trying (super hard) to be disciplined with my eating. In my opinion consistency = discipline. It's not just going to happen, people aren't just born with it, and it's something ALL of us can have. We just have to be willing to put in the work - put in the time, make the effort and know that unless you do that you won't just wake up one day with it - not gonna happen.

On another note, I have made the decision to get a little bit of help in the food/meal department. My tweeks, which absolutely helped my lose my first 60 pounds, are just not enough anymore. My sister Ashley introduced me to the program KristiApproved-Live the Life. These two women (Kristi and Trish) have come up with some rockin' recipes that are filling, delicious and easy with most calorie counts coming in around 200-240 for all meals. I have been doing it off and on for the last few weeks and have committed myself to their 12 week program starting Monday. If any of you are interested in seeing what it's all about, go to www.kristiapproved.com and take a look. They offer a free 7 day workbook (downloads to your computer) that provides you with recipes for 7 days and exercise also. I really like it - it is a program that works with my beliefs as a Latter-Day Saint. I'm really excited to see where the next 12 weeks will take me. And I'm NOT doing this out of desperation, I'm just ready to step it up another level.

this is me now.

Hello 230's, It's Nice to Meet You

2010-02-26T06:38:00.000-08:00

236.6 - that's my weight as of this morning. 60.6 - that's how much weight I've lost in 9 months. I spent all of December, January and the first two weeks of February in the 240's. I was in a stall and it was mostly because I was basically eating all of my calories burned working out. After a lengthy phone conversation with my sis Ashley she helped me realize that I might need to tweek my eating habits again - which I did and now I'm finally out of those darn 240's. I don't know what I'd do without Ashley - we talk at least 4 times per week and she lets me talk about my successes and my struggles. She offers me practical advice and cheers me on. She is the one to remind me - when I get down or frustrated - that these habits I'm creating are lifelong and I don't have to hurry and lose the weight. I hope that everyone has a someone like my sister.

this is me now.

Adjusting

2010-02-11T06:07:00.000-08:00

i'm here. i'm still working hard. i'm still pursuing my goals. we moved to las vegas on January 30th and it has been quite the adjustment for me weightloss wise. I really love it here - love our house, love the neighborhood, the area we live in, the weather, etc. But it was still a big change and transition not only for my family but for me as an individual - I just figured I would transition smoothly and go on with what I was doing over in Arizona. I was wrong. The gym I go to now is amazing - everything I could want, right at my fingertips - and my baby has a great time in their daycare which is fabulous. But Vegas is filled with something that my little area of Arizona was not - people. TONS of people. The gym gets pretty packed and I have to admit that I was very intimidated up until a couple of days ago. There are a lot of women that have gorgeous bodies, gorgeous hair, gorgeous tans, outfits, teeth, boobs, you get the picture. So when I showed up with my 55 pound weightloss (my badge of honor) it didn't mean anything to the people there - they aren't super impressed with me because they don't know how far I've come like my workout friends at the YMCA. So I felt very out of place, fat, weird, etc. and I instantly started comparing myself to the people around me - SO stupid! I spent a week thinking like the old Emily (just ask my sister) and really worried that I would be gaining those 55 pounds back with a vengence because mentally I had hit a gigantic wall. And I was eating my feelings - again. For the first time in 8 1/2 months I didn't want to go to the gym. Never thought that would happen. But I still went. Because the new me found a way to reach the old me and tell her to shut it! Losing weight and being successful at it - at least for me - is such a mental game. Learning to talk positively and realistically to myself has made such a difference in my life. This move has taught me that life throws you curveballs. Being on a schedule is SO great, but what happens when you can't be on one for a while? What work are you doing to strengthen yourself mentally for when things happen? Because they do.

this is me now.

Finally!

2010-01-23T05:34:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am making REAL progress again with my weightloss - as opposed to the fake kind =). I am 242.2 this morning which means I have lost 55 pounds. I am VERY anxious to get out of the 240's. I have been in them forever - it feels like forever. I have gotten back to eating the majority of my meals at home and I'm not really counting calories - I have a good idea of my calorie count during the day and I am focused on eating a smallish dinner and having my Healthy Choice fudge bar at night (with the occasional tablespoon of chocolate chips).

I took my measurements this morning - I'm not sure if I'll get the chance with the big move at the end of next week - and I have lost :
1/2 inch off my chest (when I say chest, I mean my ribcage right below my chest)
1 inch off my waist
1/2 inch off my hips
1/2 inch off each upper thigh
1/2 inch off each quad (I measure a couple of inches above my knee cap)
1/2 inch off each calf

Which is a total of 5 inches since January 5th. I have not lost anything from my arms since the end of October, but I'm pretty confident that they will shrink some more with the next 20 pounds and I am definitely building my muscles there. I had not posted a loss from my quads since I started taking measurements in September so I was really excited to see them shrinking - I could tell a difference even without taking the measurements. And my calves have been the same size since the end of October, so it was great to see that too!

My new favorite way to eat my spinach is the following:

-About 3 cups baby spinach from Costco
-2 oz. shredded chicken breast (I put a couple in the crock pot with some montreal steak seasoning and use them all week)
-2 hardboiled eggs
-1/4 sliced, medium avacado
-1 T. sunflower seeds
-3 T. Light Zesty Italian dressing

It is SO good and comes in around 425 calories. It is also much cheaper than my turkey salad I was making before. One of the things that helps me eat healthier is really looking for sale prices on basic things like chicken breasts - they were on sale at the grocery store here a few weeks ago for 1.57/pound and I eat about 1 pound of the chicken per week for my salad - I was paying $12 for 14 oz. of the turkey from Costco - and don't get me wrong, it is delicious, but I am on a budget.

Anyone remember the song "Do as I'm doing, follow, follow me....do as I'm doing, follow, follow me...."? My lifestyle changes have been going on long enough that they are now affecting my children. My mantra used to be "Do as I say - ignore what I do" and now I am able to be an example to my girls of the importance of taking care of their bodies. Whitney LOVES oatmeal - has it for breakfast 3 or 4 days a week and eats it just like me, with some pb, splenda and a little bit of milk. Both of my girls love that shredded chicken I make for my salads and like to take it in their lunches sometimes. They drink a TON more water, ask if they can eat hardboiled eggs and love to have oranges and apples each day. I stopped buying chips for their lunches a couple of weeks ago - NEVER thought I would do that. But they are just as happy having pretzels in their lunch and haven't even asked about chips. I also stopped putting a treat in their lunches like fruit snacks or a granola bar, and they haven't said a word. When they get home from school now, they can chose to have the fruit snacks, granola bar or animal crackers for their after school snack. Before they would have had a treat in their lunch, a treat when they got home and usually a treat before bed....... because their mom was doing the same thing. They are still doing what I do, the only difference is I DO want them to follow my example now.

Do as I'm doing, follow, follow me......

this is me now.

2010-01-17T15:44:00.000-08:00

I am under major stress. I thought that after the end of the holiday season my life would be somewhat stress-free and I would really be punching out those pounds. Well, long story short, my husband got transferred to Las Vegas (this is a VERY good thing and a major BLESSING for our family), he has been working over there since the beginning of last week and we will be joining him at the end of this month. I basically had about a 3 week notice to get the house packed up and all of the things that go with moving - turning off/on utilities, cancelling memberships, packing, packing, cleaning and packing. We now have less than 2 weeks before the big day and it has officially stressed me out - more like made me super anxious, nervous, etc. and I have found that my number one coping mechanism is EATING. Is that a huge shocker or what? I know - it is so crazy to really see how I have trained myself to be comforted by food - mostly ice cream - but I cannot even begin to explain the absolute cravings I have had for the stuff. I called my dad last week right after I had left Walmart - I had run in after my workout to pick up some milk, etc. and I had literally walked up and down the ice cream aisle a good 10 times before I finally talked myself out of buying the stuff. I told my dad that it felt like I was just hanging on by my toes. But I have definitely given into the cravings this week and after the "giving in" I IMMEDIATELY felt better. The only difference is that I'm not using the giving in as an excuse to eat like a trucker until Monday. I just move forward, keep going and do what I do (most of the time). Another coping mechanism would be much better, but for now, I'm just riding it out.

When we moved from Idaho to Arizona at the end of May last year I was SO tired all of the time (you've all seen my before picture), had no energy to get anything done and basically had a buttload of stuff to do the day we were packing up the truck. I just could not see myself getting all of that done - it seemed impossible. And at times I also thought that it would "just get done" - magically.

This time around I am already so far ahead of my game plan that I can't believe how much smoother things are going. I'm making plans for each day/week and getting them done. I have the energy to do all of the packing, the daily house cleaning, the cooking and working out. I am a different person.

On Saturday morning I weighed in at 244.4, which means I am down 3 pounds since the beginning of the month. I am happy with the number and look forward to the end of the month when I measure my progress. I am also looking forward to my NEW gym - it looks absolutely amazing and I'm looking forward to losing my last 64 pounds there.

this is me now.

p.s. If any of you look for inspiration in health magazines like Shape, Self, etc. pick up a copy of Oxygen magazine. It is amazing - all about eating clean and being strong and healthy - I get a lot of my lifting routines from them. I like this magazine because it's more about finding your inner athlete than being a size 0. Let me know what you think.

Wishful Thinking

2010-01-06T05:20:00.000-08:00

I used to feel like I was wishing my life away. I wish I could lose 100 pounds, I wish I was a better mother, I wish I read my scriptures more, I wish I was out of debt, I wish, I wish, I wish....... The problem with wishing is that it is totally unproductive - I would wish for the above mentioned things and then wait.and wait. and wait. Because for some reason I honestly felt like things would "just happen". I would wake up one day and NOT go to Maverik and get a donut, breakfast sandwich, and xlarge coke after I dropped the twins off at preschool. I would wake up one day and have an overwhelming desire to exercise, study my scriptures instead of watch tv, not spend money on crap and have the patience of Mother Theresa with my kids. I was basically living in a "delusion-ville" where great things happened magically.

I have found that just by saying something - putting it out there for people to hear - doesn't mean it's going to happen. Just because I say I want to be a better mother (which I'm sure I'll be wanting to be for the rest of my life) doesn't mean I'm going to be if I don't put in the effort. If I don't have a plan. Same with losing weight. Until I had a REALISTIC plan that I can follow for the rest of my life, which I'm pretty sure I do, that weight wasn't going to come off. Until those credit cards were cut up and I stopped deluding myself with UNREAL expectations (like winning the lottery, getting a gigantic tax return) we were not going to be headed in the right direction to get out of debt. Anything worth having will take work. Anything worth keeping will be a challenge. I finally had to ask myself if I was willing to put in the time, make the plan, and see it through the parts that were hard. And when I finally did that, things started happening. Great things, amazing things, wonderful things. I am more shocked at how I USED to live my life than how much I've changed. Things are no longer left up to chance. I've realized my life has to be lived with purpose, with effort, with a plan. Whewwww!

this is me now

This Past Year......

2010-01-01T15:49:00.000-08:00

has been completely amazing and very unexpected. I started out looking like this:

And currently look like this:

Have you ever noticed that the heavier you are the shorter your arms look in pictures? Mine couldn't rest comfortably at my sides when this picture was taken in April - and I can't believe how big my waist was. I'm wearing my "at home" outfit - my brown/brown shirt and the infamous purple pants that I cut into shorts (much more slimming that way ...) I have currently lost 11 inches around my waist, 6-7 inches from my hips, 3.5 inches from my rib cage right below my chest and at least 2 inches from my arms. My lovely thighs are about 2 inches smaller - maybe more, I didn't start taking measurements until the middle of September and I know that my thighs will be the last things to let that fat go. I'm really wishing I would have taken measurements of my "cankles" because they look so normal now and I can't believe what I was retaining in my feet - they were a bit bloated.

Sometimes I just don't see much of a difference in the mirror, but when I look back at the few pictures I've had taken over the past 6 or 7 years I realize what a difference I have made in my life and that is so motivating for me.

An interesting thing has happened at the gym the past couple of weeks. A few people that I used to see working out regularly during the summer and even into September and October, but haven't been in quite a while are back - and have gained back the weight I'm sure they worked very hard to lose. It has been a real eye opener for me - I used to think, oh, I'll just take "the rest of the week" off from the habits I had been working hard to implement and that week would turn into a month, and then I would be starting all over again. To see that happen in other people has been a great "a ha!" for me - to just keep going. I have really struggled this past month - I didn't realize how hard this month would be food wise. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of goodies that seem to be appropriate for practically every day from Thanksgiving through New Years. I know I was bragging about losing 2 pounds in my previous post, but I ended up gaining that weight back this past month and as of yesterday morning weight 247.6 - and I'm totally okay with that. I'm certainly not perfect and never will be - and I've come to accept that and work with it. My eating has been pretty much crap for at least 1 1/2 weeks, but I know that will be ending tomorrow with the twins birthday. The lesson I've learned is that you just have to keep trying - keep doing what works and when it gets hard, just keep going - even if it means not losing weight or gaining a bit before your head can be in the right place again. Because it really begins and ends with what is inside you - what you REALLY think of yourself and how you REALLY see yourself.

this is me now.

Has Anyone Seen This Girl?

2009-12-12T14:32:00.000-08:00

I seem to have lost her - not literally of course, I would have some explaining to do, but my dear little Whitney weighs approximately 52 pounds and I have lost 52 pounds...... Which gives me something nice to think about given my tough (sniff, sniff) week. I am feeling much better - much like my old, new self. Which is fabulous. I rented a carpet cleaner from the grocery store yesterday and had to fill out my drivers license info on the form. I whipped out my license, which I got the first week of October and my weight is listed as 263 - which was 100% true at that point. I had another mini victory at the store as I realized that I now weigh 18 pounds LESS than what my drivers license says - wahoo!!! I'm done tooting my own horn and patting my own back. I just really needed that this week.

Anyhoo, I am looking forward to a new week. I am going back to a good ole pb&j sandwich for lunch this week. I get the Kirkland brand multi-grain bread and it is SO healthy and SO inexpensive. I always toast my bread - I love the extra crunch. I am moving my 100-cal spinach salad to an afternoon snack with an activia yogurt. Should be a good week as we gear-up for the holidays =).

this is me now

Honestly.....

2009-12-10T19:43:00.000-08:00

I need a break - a break from being a mom, a break from being a wife, a break from being me! Anyone else feel this way? I tend to get these not so special/nice feelings a few days before my "lady visit" each month. Augghhhh!!!! It is funny how I can literally change over night - everything makes me cry or angry, and on top of that I am SO tired - but I know I will feel better within 1 to 2 days (was that too much info dad??? Sorry!) My cravings are definitely up this month compared to the last few and I'm not sure if it's because of the added stress of making Christmas magical and wonderful for the kids because that's my job or what, but I could probably eat my way through a whole pizza and polish off a bowl of ice cream without missing a beat - but I haven't, and I won't, but I'll think about it...... Today was my spin class and I absolutely adore it/loathe it. I can't believe how much stronger the old legs are getting and how much better my form is if I do say so myself - anybody taken a class and tried to get the C curve in the back while keeping your upper body relaxed, elbows bent, keeping your feet "elliptical" and actually pay attention to what is going on? I can now proudly say that I do! (sorta).....

In other news, Corinne over at the Phit-N-Phat blog - once again, can't figure out how to make it a link in my post - is offering a 12 week e-mail workshop for FREE starting in January, all you have to do is e-mail this absolutely amazing woman and she will send you the goods! Honestly, this lady is quite the inspiration - take a gander at her blog on my sidebar. She has lost over 100 pounds, now does figure competitions, all while being a mom to her son Logan, helping HER mom (or mammy as she calls her) reach her weightloss goals, and works tirelessly to help and inspire other women - and she even eats CANNED vegetables. Definitely my kind of lady!

Here's hoping I am back to my "normal" self soon!

this is me now

Overwhelmed.....

2009-12-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

It gets a little overwhelming sometimes when I actually realize that I have lost over 50 pounds - that's a lot of weight and it takes me by surprise sometimes. I went to join a group on the Livestrong website and I bypassed the 100+ pounds to lose group because I no longer need to lose 100+ pounds. It's only 65 now. I can't believe how fast the time has gone - and the funny thing is that these past 6 months would have gone by whether I made the decision to change or not.

My sweet sister Ashley listens to my "victories" almost every day - she has been asking me questions lately about how my weightloss has affected me spiritually, emotionally and physically. She asked me the physically and emotionally ones yesterday and it was nice to really think about those and give her my honest answers. Emotionally I feel at PEACE with who I am and where I'm headed with regards to my body. I honestly believe that I will feel the same about myself when I reach my goal of 180 as I do right now at 245.4 (that's right, I'm down 2 more pounds). I don't feel "super" excited or "really" down about my weight anymore (95% of the time)- I feel peaceful and happy. I feel like I can look at things a lot more realistically now - I used to blow everything out of proportion, i.e. I just ate my weight in ice cream so I'll stop doing all of the good things I was doing for myself like exercising, drinking lots of water, etc. and just go on a "bender" until January - then I'll change. Now when I have a rough day, days, or week, I know from experience that things will get better - but not by ignoring them. By still exercising, still drinking my water, and eating better. I don't have that all-or-nothing approach anymore.

Physically I am amazed at what my body can do. I am shocked at how much stronger I am - at how quickly my body adapts as I push myself. I LOVE the gym. I love pushing myself and "secretly" competing with the people next to me - they may not realize it, but by pushing themselves they are pushing me too. I am comfortable doing this because it IS who I am. I just forgot about this part of myself for 8 years and it's so nice to have me back.

Speaking of Ashley, she called me a couple of weeks ago with a new creation that is absolutely fabulous. You know how I love my spinach......well, she had me do the following:

2 huge handfuls of spinach
1 can of tuna, drained
mix tuna with 2 T. bbq sauce (I just used cheapie Kraft)
Chop up one string cheese (I used a cheddar stick, same calories)
5-6 chopped baby carrots
1 T. ranch

Pile everything on top of the spinach (I put the tuna/bbq on last) and then sprinkle with the tablespoon of ranch. Hello - SO GOOD!!!!!

Give it a try - it's a pretty cheap lunch and very filling! Good job Ash!

I'm Thankful....

2009-11-25T07:44:00.001-08:00

That the scale read 247.0 this morning - down 50.2 pounds as of this morning. I'm off to New Mexico for Thanksgiving - I plan on running each of the next 3 days and doing some ab work, I decided to take the week off from weight training - it's been 6 months and I think it will be good for me! See you next week!

this is me now

For Barb, Part I - My Turning Point

2009-11-22T21:15:00.000-08:00

I had convinced myself that I was hiding my obesity – wearing it “well”. I had amazing friends in Idaho who accepted me for who I was. The problem was that I didn’t accept myself for who I was – I wasn’t honestly seeing myself for the 297 pound woman I had become. I was in denial – for some reason I thought no one else really saw how heavy I was – but the truth is that I wasn’t really seeing how heavy I was. I remember walking past some store windows and being absolutely shocked at how large my back half was. I used to go to Broulim’s or Walmart almost every day and just buy junk food – and one health magazine. I can only imagine what the checkers would think when I was back buying my 3rd box of Drumsticks ice cream cones for the week, along with my Shape magazine. Was I really fooling anyone? It was almost as shameful for me to buy the magazine as it was to buy the junk because I knew that I wouldn’t be doing anything about it – I intended to do something – just not that day, or the day after that. I really thought that one day things would just change if I wanted it bad enough – that magically I wouldn’t eat like a horse all day long and rekindle my inner athlete. But all I ended up doing was wishing each day away instead of actually doing something each day.

Moving to Arizona was such an unexpected change for me that it really helped me “get real” about what I was doing to myself. I finally made the choice to see myself as I truly was, love and accept myself for who I was at that moment, and go from there. I spent such a long time hating myself and my body that I failed to recognize the wonderful things it had done even at my heaviest. I weighed 227 when I got pregnant with my twins and 283 when I got pregnant with my 18-month-old. And I had relatively “normal” pregnancies. I healed very quickly from my c-section at 285 pounds. I was on my feet for 8 plus hours 3 times a week as a waitress. And the whole time my body was able to do these things for me I was spending my time hating it and abusing it with food. My turning point really came at the moment when I was able to accept where I was, love my body and appreciate it at 297 pounds.

My turning point came from a place of love for myself - not disgust, or hopelessness or despair - but love and acceptance.

That's Just The Way It Is......

2009-11-17T13:34:00.000-08:00

So, a couple of posts ago I stated that I was ready to lose some serious pounds in November - and as of today I have seriously lost 2.3 pounds - seriously! But it's okay, because I know something you might not know about me - sometimes my body just does this.... it holds onto the fat that is has become accustomed to having around, it retains water, heck, sometimes it even builds muscle - all of these things result in a fabulous month of pretty much nothing......but thankfully, I'm not just relying on my handy little scale to tell me if I'm still changing. For instance, today I just completed spinning class #7 - and do you know that I was able to use more resistance and push myself harder than I ever thought I would, even though I haven't lost ANY weight in the last 1 1/2 weeks? I also lost an inch off my hips and 3/4 inch off my lovely thighs in the past 2 weeks without losing ANY weight. Incredible. I have also become addicted to my spinach/turkey/egg salad for lunch.....even though I haven't lost any weight it did not send me right to the Wendy' drive thru - and I so would have done that 5 1/2 months ago because I would have felt so discouraged for not losing any weight. We took the kids on a hike two weekends ago - it was around a lake and beautiful and I really enjoyed it, and about half way through the 2.3 mile hike I realized I could have run around the WHOLE lake - even without losing anymore weight this month......Amazing! Obviously I'm being a bit sarcastic, but I truly feel like a different person - sure I'm excited to reach my goal weight, but I'm also excited when I reach other goals that I've set for myself, because it isn't all about the number on the scale anymore - it can't be for me, because I let that number define me as a failure for too long and that simply isn't true anymore.

this is me now.

Thanks for your advice, but.......

2009-11-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

So, there is this fabulous lady at the gym who is probably in her late 50's but her body is TOTALLY awesome. She is always lifting weights and jumping around - no joke - reminds me of the dot drill from high school. Anyway, we've chatted a couple of times and on Friday after I completed a set of jumping squats (hello booty!) she told me she had noticed that my hard work was really paying off. So nice of her to say! Then I let it slip that I had lost 46 pounds - that's right 46 POUNDS - and she was quite impressed with that number and here is our conversation from that point:

Janice: So surely you've changed your nutrition too?

E: Oh, of course.

J: And you've probably cut out the carbs?

E: Nope, just trying to stick with whole grains (and the occasional churro).

J: Well, I guess that's okay since you are working out so hard. But you've stopped eating after 6 right? That's so important because your body just can't burn those calories after 6.

E: Uhhhhhhh.......

We chatted for a bit longer and left it at that. She is such a nice lady and I really appreciate her noticing the changes I've made, however, I just thought it was so funny how she was trying to get me to admit to giving things up - which I haven't - and assuming I've stopped eating after dinner because it would be physically impossible for me to lose weight if I was still having a late night snack - which I do every night after the kids are in bed (Healthy Choice fudge bar - SO GOOD - and a 100-cal pack of something).

I just want to make sure that I am making myself clear at this point in my weightloss journey - I have NOT eliminated any food from my diet, although I no longer drink regular soda - I wanted to make this my lifestyle change until I'm gone. And right now I would be sabatoging myself if I didn't eat after 6 or gave up carbs - I'm smart enough to see the bingeing that would ensue. I think the big "secret" for me is that I'm doing what works. Sure, I eat oatmeal with pb for breakfast now - when we lived in Idaho I would go the the Maverik at least 2 or 3 times a week and get a donut, soda and some sort of breakfast sandwich. I eat my spinach salad with some turkey and hardboiled eggs and yogurt for lunch (or my beloved subway or costco salad) - when we lived in Idaho it would NOT be unusual for me to make myself physically sick from eating lunch at Big J's or from the deli at Broulim's, and I was doing this on a pretty regular basis. At night I'm still eating what I used to make for dinner in Idaho - the difference being that I cook dinner at home on average 6 times per week compared with 3 or 4 in Idaho. And I've already mentioned my evening snack - I cannot tell you what I used to eat after the kids were gone to bed and Jeremy was working his second job at Walmart because my face is starting to turn red even thinking about it. I was not only medicating myself with food each day but I was also abusing myself with food. Food helped me ignore the fact that I was ignoring my life.

Whoa, that got a little heavy for a sec. My point is that I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing - lunch this week will be spinach, sunflower seeds, 2 hardboiled eggs, 3 oz. Columbo Herb Roasted Turkey (absolutely heavenly - thank you Costco), my Kraft Zesty Italian light and an activia yogurt. And I'm quite sure that I'll have a churro or two this week and might even have pizza for dinner and have at least 2 cans of diet coke each day. But I also know that I'll be at the gym for 10 hours this week - two of those hours spent in my saddle at my spinning class - and I'll continue drinking my water, eating my oatmeal, measuring out my dinner portions and sticking with my calories. Maybe I'll get more hardcore later - and maybe I won't, time will tell, but for now.....

this is me now

Hey! I know you!

2009-10-31T21:12:00.000-07:00

I was doing the weight portion of my workout on Thursday and almost fell over - I was watching myself in the mirror and looked up so I was looking right into my eyes (does this sound weird yet??) and I could NOT believe it! I recognized myself - I haven't seen me in years! It was such a coincidence - being in the gym at the same time and all.

Have any of you felt that way?? For such a long time I would sit and stare at myself in the mirror and pray that I would recognize the person looking back at me - and I just didn't....I think I mentioned this in my last post - I was just letting life happen to me - not taking the responsibility to really make choices. I love looking at myself now - sounds stupid, probably a little vain, but if you know me or my siblings you know that we all love to look in the mirror a bit too much. It's not that I think I look overly fabulous, it's almost like I can't get over the fact that it's really me again - it just bowls me over some days that I made the decision to change and I'm following through with it. I kind of think my mom feels the same way because whenever I call and give her my weightloss updates she just laughs - not like she's being rude or utterly stunned that I'm still doing this - but I think she's a bit delighted that her daughter is back.

Will be posting my goals for the month of November tomorrow - I'm ready to crank out some serious pounds this month!

This is me now.

Passed It!

2009-10-25T21:12:00.001-07:00

I weighed 255.4 Saturday morning - close enough to 42 pounds lost. If I lose 2 pounds this coming week that will make a total of 8 pounds for the month and I'll have hit my goal.

I was able to wear a dress to church today that I haven't worn in over 3 years - it is so nice to have a closet full of clothes that I can actually wear again. I worked hard again this past week in the weight room and cardio wise - on Friday I did a combo of the treadmill for 20 minutes (running/walking), the elliptical for 25 minutes (manual at level 9 and 10) and the bike for 15 minutes. I think I will start doing this every Friday - it shakes things up a bit and it's a fun challenge. Food wise I have just been making good choices - I really don't eat very different from the rest of the family - dinner is the same for all of us each night, I will usually just measure out what I need to like if it's hamburger helper or spaghetti, etc. so I'm not overdoing it - breakfast is coaches oatmeal with peanut butter and milk 90% of the time, and lunch is a variety of things. Lunch is honestly the hardest meal for me - I would say that I eat at Costco and/or Subway at least once a week for lunch, I usually will get the caesar salad from costco and just do 1/2 the dressing and croutons and I'll take out about 1/4 of the lettuce so there is enough dressing. I get all of my calorie counts either from The Biggest Loser calorie counter book or the livestrong.com website - I LOVE this site. This is what I use to determine my calorie intake, etc. It is so helpful and free which is the best part.

I've changed my life - my relationship with food and love of myself are so different than they were 5 months ago. It's been a gradual change and I'm so thankful for where I'm at now. I've finally realized that at the end of the day I am really the only one who cares if I'm fat or not. It's my choice. And I believe that now. I honestly take my life one choice at a time. I think before I almost wasn't thinking about what I was doing or eating - I just did it and then would wonder at the end of the day how I got to where I was.....my life is no longer like that - I'm holding myself accountable.

Here are some pictures I took last week - I feel comfortable in my skin and I am so thankful for what I'm learning each day.

this is me now.

Then and Now

2009-10-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted any pictures of myself yet - and after having the swine flu for the past week and my monthly "present" at the same time my plans have been a bust - I am completely looking forward to getting back to the gym tomorrow and going shopping for my healthy stuff that I was unable to get as I would have been publicly shunned for going to the store with my swine flu mask on. Anyway, I was looking at pictures on my phone while at Urgent Care on Thursday - luckily it wasn't that urgent because it took me 3 hours to see a doctor - when I came across a photo I took of myself in the middle of July and I was shocked at how different I look. So I got on our computer to see if I could find some old pictures from this past year to compare to my new ones - there weren't very many since I've really been avoiding the camera for quite some time - but I found these that were taken on New Years Eve of this past year - I would guess that I was anywhere from 283-287 at that time:

And here are some pictures taken just yesterday during a day trip to the mountains, and for the sake of this crappy past week we'll say I weigh about 258:

Maybe to the rest of you it won't seem like much, but I am so happy to see that I actually have a chin again.....

this is me now.

Getting Close

2009-10-14T07:04:00.001-07:00

My weight this morning is 257.4 - which is .2 away from 40 pounds. Yahoo! Last weeks goals were okay - still haven't gotten around to writing down my weight workouts. My runs were terrific - I've shaved 44 seconds off of my 2 mile time since last Monday. I had a great workout this past Monday - I'm really addicted to that runner's high when I've really been pushing myself.

I have a confession to make - I am now addicted to spinach. It's completely my moms fault. I told her a couple of weeks ago that I really struggle getting in my fruits and veggies every day. She told me to go and buy a container of the baby spinach from Costco and just put a light dressing on it with some sunflower seeds. SO GOOD!!!! I call it my secret weapon - it ends up around 100 calories and I have it with my lunch every day. I used the light & zesty italian dressing from Kraft.

I am 95% sure that I'll be skipping the gym today. Gracie has been sick the last few days (Jeremy stayed home with her while I went to the gym yesterday), and I am not feeling too great either - I think we are all getting the flu, which means I will be missing a workout for the first time in about 3 months.... it will be okay.

this is me now.

Go For It

2009-10-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

I was at the gym this morning, just dropped my darling girl off at kid watch and got on the treadmill to do my 2 mile run and a lady came in that was probably 4'10" and about as round as you can get. She looked positively uncomfortable being there with her husband (not being with her husband, just uncomfortable in general) and they got on the row of treadmills in front of me. She was walking very slowly and had to take some breaks and after about 15 minutes she got off the treadmill and tried out one of the recumbent bikes.

My story has a point - I promise - I remember going back to the gym after years and years of avoiding the place (it's actually not that hard to remember since it was May 29th of this year). Going through those doors in my tight workout pants and husbands old t-shirt was one of the hardest things I've done. I spent the first two weeks at the gym ashamed and embarrassed - and absolutely positive that everyone was watching me. I was embarassed because I was sweating SO much that my bum was soaked each time I finished my workout - I could just imagine what the guys in the weight room were thinking when I would bend over to grab a weight, I was ashamed to enter my weight on the bike or elliptical machine when it asked for it - positive that the women next to me were trying super hard to not gag when they saw my weight, and the list goes on and on. And after about 2 weeks and only a 2 pound weightloss I started getting frustrated - I hadn't changed my eating habits yet and I was enduring the gym. And then, for some reason I finally had my "AHA! moment". And this is how is went:

I am at the gym to lose weight for ME - not to win a beauty pagent or impress the guys with my dry bum. I weighed what I weighed and that was a fact - I could either accept it, love myself where I was and go from there, or I could settle for my mediocre workouts filled with pity. I went with the first option. So what if my bum sweats? I'm working hard and I feel great. I stopped throwing the towel over the display box when I entered my weight - I let it all hang out because that's who I was. When I started running a few weeks later I was able to run a TOTAL of 3 minutes and doing it walk one minute, run one minute. And I was proud of myself. Also, I learned that the majority of the people at the gym were concerned about themselves and could care less about my sweat or my weight. I find it powerful to enter 260 pounds on the bike because I know how hard it was to put in the 297. I revel in the fact that I am absolutely drenched at the end of my workouts because I try to REALLY push myself each day I'm there.

Back to the lady from this morning. I couldn't help but wonder if she was feeling the way I had felt four months ago - if she felt self-conscious or embarassed? Wondering if people were judging her "lack of fitness". All I know is that while she was doing her best on her treadmill and I was running my buns off on my treadmill I was hoping and praying that I see her on Monday and each day after that - I was silently yelling at her to go for it - and I hope she does.

Quick side note - I DO bring a towel to counteract the effects of my sweaty bum =).

This is me now.

Thank You Julio!

2009-10-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

I love the t.v. show "The Biggest Loser" - this is the first season that I don't eat a big bowl of ice cream when I watch it =). Tonight Julio was eliminated - kind of a goofy guy who ended up surprising the heck out of me. Anyhoo, in his update of where he is now (which, I believe is down 108 pounds) he said that what changed for him was his mindset - that the people that loved him were still going to love him whether he was fat or skinny, that it didn't matter to them. Isn't that the truth? I finally realized that for myself a few months ago - I tried to make losing weight about everyone but me, that my poor husband was married to a fatty, that my kids friends would probably make fun of their chubby mom, and the list goes on and on. But I realize that is completely untrue - and when I accepted the fact that my weight ultimately only really mattered to me, I had a decision to make - and that decision was/is to love myself. I have changed. Things will be hard. But life is hard - being a mother is hard, downright difficult, but I find my greatest joys in my children; being a wife is hard, but being committed to my sweetheart brings me such comfort, love and peace. Working out for 2 hours a day is hard, but it is bringing out the qualities in me that have always existed, but I chose to ignore because eating was easier. My weaknesses are becoming my strengths - not overnight, but that's okay, because loving myself now means I am learning to love myself where I'm at in my life, being grateful for what I have, and going from there.

This is me now.

Don't Panic

2009-10-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

Don't panic - just something I have been telling myself for the past few weeks. September was a killer month for me - I really struggled losing those 7 pounds and recently it feels like old habits are trying to worm their way back into my life. I was a diet queen - in fact, the first diet I went on "Body For Life" was because I was about 5 or 7 pounds heavier than when I first got married. That little diet was the catalyst for my nearly decade long obesession with losing weight - or my inability to lose weight. Ask my hubby - it's all I talked about - either the new diet I was on or how fat and miserable I was. So those first 5 to 7 pounds I needed to lose increased over time to the 117.2 pounds you see recorded as my starting weight (297.2). When I started working out again at the beginning of June I finally decided that I was through dieting - I wasn't going to "go on" something. Because when I go on a diet I end up going off of a diet, and if I wasn't on anything then there wasn't anything for me to quit. Did that make sense? I just wanted to make realistic changes - changes that will allow me to feed my family of 5 as inexpensively as possible and at the same time allow me to lose the weight and get healthy. I've been counting calories....actually I haven't been counting my calories for the past 3 or 4 weeks. What I've really been doing is starting to panic - I can't help it, it's something that happens, that little voice inside my head that starts nagging at me to try something different - what I'm doing isn't working. NOT TRUE!!!! It is working. When I am fully aware of my calorie intake and make healthful choices (for the most part) and when I push myself with my cardio and weights 5 days a week I really see results. I will see results. I will not panic. I will calm down and be realistic. I just told my dad today that for the most part this lifestyle change is hard - some days are easy - but for the most part it is difficult because I am learning that no matter how much weight I lose it doesn't suddenly make me want to keep a spotless house, study my scriptures and pray every day, make dinner for a neighbor or never yell at my kids. Losing weight and being healthy is now something added to my list of things to do and be each day - the difference is that it is at the top of my list and I'm not ignoring it anymore. I will not panic, I will see who I really am, what I am really doing and make those small, realistic changes that have helped me lose the first 36 pounds.

I feel much better now.

Goals for 10.5.09

2009-10-04T20:48:00.001-07:00

I am going to post my weekly goals each Saturday or Sunday for the upcoming week.

My goals for this week are:

CARDIO
*Run 2 miles per day Monday-Friday
I have been running twice a week for 3 miles each time. I would like to increase my endurance & am trying to mix things up a bit.
*Recumbent Bike for 20 minutes Monday,Wednesday,Friday
*Arc Trainer for 20 minutes Tuesday & Thursday

STRENGTH TRAINING
*Write down each exercise with the weight/reps
I haven't been writing any of my weight workouts down.
*Hold Planks for 1 minute.
The most I have held them for is 45 seconds - hard stuff

NUTRITION
*Enter EVERYTHING I eat each day on my Livestrong page.
I have hit a bit of a wall. The weight is definitely not coming off as fast and I'm thinking it has a lot to do with my food.
*Eat all meals at home Monday-Friday.
I have been eating lunch out especially a lot lately and it is a bad habit to get back into - used to do it all the time.

WEIGHT LOSS FOR THE MONTH OF OCTOBER:

*Lose 8 pounds this month, which will take me down to 253.2 and make my total weight loss to date 44 pounds.

The Scale

2009-09-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

I weighed myself today....and yesterday. This is a good thing for me. When I started on my journey of finally being "me" back in June I was weighing myself every morning. It was fine for awhile, and I really thought it was working for me - helping me be accountable each day. But around the 29 pound mark I started being a little OCD about the whole thing. I was weighing myself every morning and every night - how else was I going to prepare myself for what the scale might say the next morning???? Hello. Definitely out of control. What happened at 29 pounds is that I hit a plateau. I have hit said plateau the last two times I lost weight - in 2006 while on Weight Watchers I hit the plateau at 29 pounds. I stopped attending the meetings the next week and was on my way back to Chubbyville within a month. I also hit the plateau at about the 20 pound mark while doing Body for Life in 2005.....stopped BFL a couple of weeks later.

I knew the plateau was coming, I was waiting for it and I thought I was ready for it. But what happened was that I started hating myself each morning (and each night) that the scale went up or down a pound or two - because bodies do that. They retain water, they build muscle, they hold onto things for who knows why, and I was beating myself up for it every day. I broke through the plateau right after Labor Day and continued weighing myself every morning and evening - and last week I finally decided I'd had enough. I will weigh myself every Wednesday morning and post said weight here on the blog - I did give in and weigh yesterday too, but hey, I am definitely not perfect. This morning I weighed in at 261.4 pounds. That may seem like a TON of weight to most of you, but I am so pleased with myself. I have officially lost 35.8 pounds in 4 months. And I finally posted it - I know that it won't be available to my tens of readers until I've lost 50 pounds, but I am pleased as pie!